Beard science

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                Living on the razor's edge

Snowboarding, ice skating, fleeing to Mexico: All are assuredly worthy winter pastimes. The greatest way to pass the hibernal months, however, is that most hallowed and noble test of will and follicle fortitude—yes, we speak of the beard-growing contest.  Both perpetually hirsute TONY designer Jeff Quinn and myself agreed to take part after our manhood was called into question by Williamsburg resident and comic illustrator Brendan Leach in a missive sent out several weeks ago.

The ultimatum reads as follows:

 


gentleman,

you have been selected as entrants in the 2007/2008 annual beard race and manliness exposition. if you are on this email list, then you have unwittingly passed a secret admission exam conducted by me, surreptitiously, probably at a bar. you have been judged on various and undefinable qualities of manliness and willingness to endure (against your better judgment) looking awesome. and i have run dna tests and inspected your facial hair follicles when you weren't looking.

the rules of the contest (should you choose to accept them) are as follows:

1. shave with a safety razor at some point between 12am and 11:59pm on oct.31st. the beard growing begins the following day (nov.1st )

2. grow a beard. you can trim the bottom neck line, mustache covering the crack of your lip, and the cheekbone area (for the were-wolves among us) if you wish.

3. judging will commence on feb. 1st. for whomever makes it that long. you should take a picture of your face on the first of every month (including nov and feb) and email it to me. i will post them on a secret beard club website, so we can compare and contrast. we will be judged on length, fullness, coverage, and over-all coolness.

4. then begins the optional endurance portion of the race. you can trim as much as you like, and whoever keeps a full beard the longest wins, oh i don't know, a beer. i'll buy the winner a beer. i say optional because usually everyone usually gives up by this point.

that is all gentleman. please respond with your intention to look like a man. if you feel you have recieved this email in error, or you are a little girl, please respond to this email with "i can't gwow a beawd, i'm a widdle giwl" in the subject line.

-brendan
beard club


Having had the gauntlet thrown in our faces, we had no choice but to accept—and we recommend that you do the same. Stay tuned for next month's update and a blogged account of the the ruination it will probably bring to both our lives. When asked about his chances for victory, Quinn's ever-tolerant girlfriend, TONY Kids photo editor Cinzia Reale-Castello, had this to say, "I think he will go all the way and win it.… No, actually, by the end he will just look like he has a face full of pubes." Lucky girl.

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