Five Things I Learned at Louis C.K.'s New York Comedy Festival show

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Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Paul Lyden

1. This man is impossibly, impressively prolific. Tonight's show, which was being taped for a special and ran almost two hours, was entirely new and entirely different from the show he did at Carnegie Hall in last year's NYCF. Oh, and he's also been writing, performing, editing and doing just about every other job in his FX show, Louis, all year. There's no way this guy has all that time to masturbate.

2. One of last night's audience members is going to die before Christmas. C.K. pointed out that the 2,500 people gathered at the Beacon Theatre were statistically representative of the entire population of the nation, in some way. How does that apply practically in C.K.'s world? "At least one of you will ruin your family's Christmas by dying a shitty death."

3. C.K. wants you to get off on his cadaver. Though C.K. "[has] a lot of beliefs, and [lives] by none of them," he wants to donate his body after he's dead. He doesn't want his body to go to science, however; he prefers that it go to people who can do anything they like with it for 90 seconds. After imagining a number of wild scenarios involving earlobes and anuses, he announced he would be the "Willy Wonka of perverts," and sang to the tune of "Pure Imagination": "You can come on my back and pretend that you are my father!"

4. Grown-ups can hate six-year-olds with "occupying, adult" hate. One of C.K.'s daughter's classmates—whom C.K. called "Jizanthopus" to protect his identity—is apparently a mean, demanding kid whom C.K. with whom he has been obsessed ("I've thought about him three times since I came out here," he confessed). C.K. wound into some elaborate revenge fantasies involving becoming gay, seducing the kid's dad, shacking up with him, going to a Christian reprogramming camp to turn straight again and then mocking the dad for becoming gay in the first place.

5. 17-year-olds love C.K.'s imagination, especially as it concerns genitals. Though he'd never seen C.K.'s stand-up, the young guy next to me got to see the show as a 17th-birthday present—and I believe he learned a lot. C.K. talked about squirting semen on overly friendly people "just as a defense mechanism" and, later, about feeling inadequate showering in the seventh-grade locker room with a kid whose penis "had three sections, like an ant" and "tapered off like the bottom half of yam." While this went on, the young man flopped about in his seat like a fish out of water. It was lovely.

Sorry, I have to add an extra number because it must be said:

6. He absolutely killed.

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