Happy New Year!

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In the event that auld acquaintance is forgotten, stay calm, check the airways for blockages and then bring it to mind with a few quick blasts of a noisemaker.

As you head into the New Year, most likely with a plastic champagne glass in one hand, a crab Rangoon in the other and a cigarette—or worse, a braying noisemaker—hanging from your lips, it's important that you keep a few key things in mind. First of all, you can wear a kitschy, ironic hat or you can wear silly glasses; you cannot wear both. Second, the traditional midnight kiss is not an invitation for unsolicited groping. Solicited groping is okay. Third, it's imperative to have a resolution. Try one of these:

  • Quit wearing ironic hats and silly eyeglasses at the same time
  • Just say no to loud shoes if you're my upstairs neighbor
  • Learn how to French braid!
  • Stop cronyism
  • Properly dispose of hazardous materials
  • Perfect the art of the egg wash
  • Rinse, repeat as directed, not as is your whim
  • When you're done leaving a message, actually end the call instead of just putting the phone back in your purse and leaving a four-minute message full of static and muffled sounds
  • Send thank-you notes for thank-you notes
  • Shoe trees!
  • Phone trees!
  • Choose an animal and then start collecting all sorts of stuff with that animal on it. Not only does it distinguish you, but your friends will appreciate the way it simplifies gift giving and you'll be rewarded richly in cow-shaped salt and pepper shakers. Mooooooore salt please! Am I right?
  • Link to the TONY blog each and every day
  • Take a shower each and every day
  • Layer your scents
  • Memorize the alphabet so you don't have to sing the song in your head
  • Add a little phlavor to your e-mails by changing all fs to phs
  • Save a horse—make gelatin from a cowboy
  • More spoiler alerts!
  • Keep your wheat in one set of Tupperware and your chaff in another

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