Today: Tuesday, July 3

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"I see a troll doll or Fraggle Rock, and I'm scared," said one of the revelers, after gobbling a bunch of acid.

Aloha, my tropical coconuts—tomorrow is the day when people explode all kinds of loud crap in the air as a stream of urine gently runs down my leg. Actually, that's not quite true. I'm okay with the big fireworks spectaculars—not to be confused with the terror spectaculars of which we've been warned. I find them disagreeably loud but I'll admit they're pretty. It's the firecrackers that bad teenage boys who ride skateboards like to light that freak me out. Are those legal here? I don't even know, I just know that I don't like them!

But all that is tomorrow. For tonight you'll be headed to Dick Swizzle's Sudden Death Game Show because the name Dick Swizzle cracks me up and you like things that crack me up.

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