TONY---equal opportunity employer

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I am coming up on my one-year anniversary here at TONY, and epochal moments such as these deserve many hours of pensive thought. As I have a fairly limited attention span, this soul-search lasted all of about six minutes.

When I applied for an internship all those long months ago, I was pretty resigned to a life of burger flipping or maybe coal mining. Job rejection after job rejection had effectively left me with the self-esteem of a toilet brush. Dejected but defiant to the bitter end, I decided to give it one last go. This internship was my last hope. I had no published material and no relevant experience. I was living in South Jersey and at the end of my rope. It was a last desparate roll of the dice (die? dices? ... whatever).

For a writing sample, I scoured my brain and tried to figure out what I knew best. The answer came to me in a flash. Utter rejection. Countless job applications had left me with some fairly desperate cover letters, some of which I had saved. I collected a few of the better ones and passed them along, fingers and eyes crossed.

My writing sample was as follows:

Rejected Cover Letter to Leadership Directories, Inc.:

To whom it may concern:

It has occurred to me that a place with such a name as Leadership Directories, Inc. would not want to hire someone with an uninteresting moniker such as Andrew Toal (which was, until recently, my name). Luckily for both you and myself, I have recently (unofficially, of course) changed my name to Captain Danger. Doesn't that just grab you and make you want to strive for something better? Yes, me too. Captain Danger, in addition to being a valuable asset in the workplace, only refers to himself in the third person, which is pretty much guaranteed to improve productivity at least 330%. Captain Danger thanks you for your time.

Regards,

Captain Danger (formerly Andrew Toal)

Rejected Cover Letter to Simon and Schuster:

To whom it may concern:

Thomas Paine once wrote, "It hath lately been asserted in parliament, that the colonies have no relation to each other but through the parent country, i.e. that Pennsylvania and the Jerseys, and so on for the rest, are sister colonies by the way of England; this is certainly a very roundabout way of proving relationship, but it is the nearest and only true way of proving enemyship, if I may so call it.". Now, at this point, you might be wondering exactly what this seemingly irrelevant passage from Common Sense has to do with my job application. Well, I'll tell you. It has everything to do with it. You see, England has long fostered an atmosphere of disunity amongst us, the free people of these United States. Of course it has; disunity is in its best interests, lest we realize our latent power and rise to throw off England's oppressive yoke. By hiring me, a New Jersey native, to work in the great city of New York, we spit in the eye of Tyranny and Oppression. Who are they to tell us where and for whom we can seek employment? I leave it to you.

God Save the Queen

Andrew T. Toal

Rejected Cover Letter to Forbes magazine:

To whom it may concern:Hiring me would be a fantastically good idea. I write this with the complete realization that I don't have much relevant experience. What I do have, however, is reliability and personality, in spades. I learn quickly, am almost pathologically punctual and would not be a detriment to the company softball team. I repeat, I am not a liability at the hot corner. I recently returned from a five-month sojourn in Australia, where, among other things, I endeavored to repair and maintain frayed international relations on behalf of America. In this, I believe, I have succeeded. I work hard, am honest and am open to suggestion and/or constructive criticism. I rarely make the same mistake twice. I have always been a big fan of your publication, despite its lack of relevance to my immediate financial circumstances. It is my sincere hope that it will become more relevant now that I'm back in the U.S. and on my way to making my fortune.Thank you for your time.Sincerely,

Andrew T. Toal

Note: Interestingly enough, the final letter on this list was the only one of the three that I received a response to. The response was as follows:

From: Forbesadmin@gmail.com

DUDE. best cover letter EVER. We are rolling on the floor over here—

I was not asked to come in for an interview.

Anyway, fast-forward to present day, and I'm still there. Really makes you think. And I would just like to thank the TONY powers-that-be for showing mercy to this unwashed, down-on-his-luck half-wit.

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