Your 1 Thing for today: Tuesday, Dec 12

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LIKE WHOLE FOODS, FAIRWAY IN RED HOOK, PICTURED, STOCKS ALL THE ITEMS YOU NEED TO MAKE THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE AN ORGANIC HORN OF WHIMSY

Whole Foods is said to be quite the pickup joint, and would that I could lock eyes with some nutrition-minded hottie whilst saving a bundle on smoked Gouda. But when I wander those aisles, I'm less in the mood to talk cheese with an organic-farming conscious lothario than I am to put my fist through the display above the cheese, which says something overly whimsical like "cheesy, chewy, nutty, stretchy, mmmmm, cows, cheese!" Similarly, near the salad bar, I'm hardly tempted to bat my enviably thick and lengthy eyelashes (just being honest) at some manly rugged shea-butter user because, frankly, my panties are all in a twist over "greenery, cold, crisp, snap, pow, heads, lettuce!" And were I to be charmed by sweet nothings whispered into my ear by some spelt-eating nonprofit worker in cruelty-free shoes who donates a portion of his monthly phone bill to the needy and is very spiritual, I would find it difficult not to be distracted by the nearby juice bar. I just want to buy some goddamned orange juice. I don't care if it's pulpy, smooth, cold, refreshing, gulp it, froth it, juice!

Listen up, Whole Foods: Just shut it already with your nonsensical free association! You're killing it for me. Do you hear me? I'm yelling, zinging, anger, roiling, wow, hostile, hatred! I'm nauseated, queasy, upchuck, chuck up, spit up, feel it rising, puke! I'm irritated, last nerve getting on my, ranting, chanting, you go girl, talk to the hand, leave a message at the wrist, snap! You're ruining the experience of buying groceries for me. I am officially avoiding you.

I'm not avoiding the Fairway in Red Hook, though—I mean, I'm not going out of my way to go there, because I'm lazy, but I'm not avoiding it either. And were I'm not avoiding it tonight specifically, which again, I'm not, even though like I said I'm totally not going to be there, I'd be not avoiding the Red Hot Hook-Up, where gourmet cheese and meats are served, along with fine wine, and singles who plunk down 20 big ones for the aforementioned food and wine are encouraged do more than shop. (No, not like that, you weirdo pervert!)

Go tonight from 6 to 8:30pm and then let us know how it is, so long as when you tell us it isn't in some Beat-inflected free verse.

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