Your 1 Thing for today: Wednesday, Jan 24

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Ladies, take note: Men loooove a gal in a baggy mock turtleneck with a cute saying silk-screened on the front.


There is a very small, very horrible picture of me in the magazine this week, wherein I look like I'm doing my best impression of a gopher smelling a fart. Mind you, I wasn't trying to look like that; I was trying, and failing miserably, to look like a human. But now that I know that fart-smelling gopher is in my repertoire, I'll be sure to call it up on occasions where such a thing is needed.

But I'm not just telling you this to brag. I'm telling you this, clearly, because I have a need to share unattractive things about myself, which, actually, the magazine already did, and by that I mean see above paragraph. Would that I could play ukulele, I would sing you a ditty about the indignity of the photo, a ditty that would make you weep, a ditty that, in France, they'd call a chanson, because that means "song" in French, but instead I'll just have to shove some nuts in my cheeks for the winter and head to the Ukulele Cabaret at the Bowery Poetry Club. See you there. I'll be the one who looks like a distant relative of the prairie dog, apparently. Unless gophers and prairie dogs aren't distant relatives in which case just shut it, okay? This is no time for facts.

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