Quiz - Time Out New York

Miser. Scrooge. Cheapskate doofus. Are these the names your friends (and mother) call you behind your back? Take our probing quiz to find out.

By Ashlea Halpern

Your nine-year-old mattress is saggy and stained. Do you buy a new one?

Buy? No. But I’ll try to scavenge one on West 36th Street.

Yes! I’ve been eyeing those Ultra Plush Euro Pillowtop sets advertised in The New York Times.

Christ, no. I’m not tossing that sucker until it’s half black with bedbugs.

[Sighs] Yeah. I’m sure I can find something reasonable at Ikea.

2.You sidle up to the vending machine at work and what do you see? A shiny dime on the floor! Your immediate reaction:

Dive for it, stupid! Go, go, go! Who cares if Fat Carol in accounting slops hot coffee down her blouse? She should get the hell out of the way!

A dime, are you kidding me?!? That’s hardly worth bending over.

I might pick it up after Carol leaves; I’d hate to look cheap.

Pick it up and offer it to Carol first; if she says no, that makes me 10¢ closer to a bag of Cheez Doodles.

3.Your girlfriend’s parents are coming to town and they want to see a Broadway play. What happens next?

I send her to BroadwayBox.com and demand orchestra seats.

I suggest we all hoof it down to the TKTS booth on Saturday—and hey, I’ll even spring for my own ticket.

I offer to go dutch on our seats and split the cost of tix for her ’rents.

Wham! Bam! Four front-row seats courtesy of Mr. Visa.

4.It’s 2:34am on a rainy Friday in the East Village. Your date is druuunk and the streets are packed. What do you do?

Insist she bumble down into the subway and wait. And wait. And wait. What’s a little subway construction compared with the highway robbery of those oligarchic predators our city calls taxis?

Offer to pay a livery driver $75 to get her home safe. (She lives on East 7th Street, but still.)

Agree to split a cab with my date and a stranger, ask to be the first stop and then cry poor as the car reaches my block. “Sorry, dude. I guess I spent more at the bar than I thought!”

Hail a taxi and tip the driver 10 percent. Done.

5.It’s your unpaid intern’s last day on the job. How do you say goodbye?

With lavish praise and the promise of a recommendation

With a thank-you lunch at a chichi bistro, plus a $500 cash bonus

A handwritten thank-you card with a $20 gift certificate to Virgin Megastore tucked inside

Um, “Bye”?

6.You’ve just stuffed your gullet at Hill Country BBQ, where it’s mostly self-service. When you go to pay, you spot a tip jar by the register. What do you put in?

$1—and that’s generous.

Nothing. I’m the one who had to do all the work!

20 percent. They still had to cook and clean up.

10 percent. I’d feel guilty if I didn’t.

7.When was the last time you donated money to a worthy cause.

Today. I gave two buskers a couple of bucks on the way to work.

Last Thanksgiving. I donated three dented soup cans and a box of Rice-A-Roni to a church on my block.

My brother’s bar mitzvah. He’s 37.

Let’s see: Last year I gave $2,500 to the National Foundation for Cancer Research, $850 to the Sierra Club and $485 to the American Kidney Fund. Oh! And $30 a month to Feed the Children. My hungry child’s name is Anna!

8.It’s your buddy’s 27th birthday and you’re out celebrating. The tab comes to $280. You…

…pony up my exact portion for the booze and revelry.

…throw in a few extra bucks—the waitress was a sport for putting up with a buncha knocker-watchers.

…try to get away with paying half of what I owe—and blame it on my remedial math skills if I get caught.

…pay nothing and tell him that—wink, wink—now we’re even for that time six years ago when you stiffed me at Gray’s Papaya.

9.Your most athletic friend just sent an e-blast asking for PayPal donations for a children’s leukemia walk he’s doing on Sunday. Do you pledge him?

Sure. I wire $100 right away, and promise double that if he completes the walkathon.

DELETE

I pledge $10. Dammit.

I e-mail saying I’m swamped this sec but will do it this weekend—and then I conveniently “forget.”

10.You’ve just gone number two. How do you wipe?

With deluxe, triple-quilted, angel-printed luxury toilet paper.

With my hand. What? There was a sink right there!

With one square of one-ply toilet paper. Which I stole from work.

Two-ply, nuthin’ fancy.

Subscribe now and save 90%!

Most viewed