Breast ye forget

Q

I am a 30-year-old female and have recently married my boyfriend of four years. The problem is that he is very prudish when it comes to having sex at that time of the month. It’s not like I’m trying to get him to do me when I’m at the heaviest time on my cycle. It’s just that when I’m on my period I feel extremely horny, and I usually wait for lighter days before I proposition him for sex. Yet the fact that I’m on my period at all usually disgusts him and he wouldn’t touch me with a ten-foot pole. So my question is, is it nasty to have sex on my period? What can I do to convince my husband to desire me when I’m on the rag?

A

Well, the first thing you could do is stop using the phrase on the rag. It makes you sound like either a pubescent boy or a truck driver, both of which I imagine would bring up all sorts of unpleasant, unseductive mental images for your husband. Second, if it’s the menstrual blood that’s freaking him out, you could try using a menstrual cup (such as Instead), a diaphragm-like device that fits over the cervix and holds back the flow while you have sex. In fact, the Instead folks realize there’s a huge market of guys like your husband, which is why their advertising says stuff like: “It’s MESS FREE for both you and your partner” (yes, they even all-caps the mess free part). Give that a whirl, and to pique his interest in “period sex” even more, let him know that the vagina also tends to be at its most (I hate this word, but sometimes you just have to use it) moist during menstruation (if only Instead made a “moist cup” for my computer).

Q

I am 38 and have been with my husband for almost 15 years, and I’m happy to say we have sex several times a week. We have a varied sex life that incorporates oral, anal and vaginal sex. Lucky us, right? Except for one thing: Rarely does my husband touch me above the waist. Maybe it’s his enthusiasm that causes him to dive right in without paying much attention to my breasts, back, neck, etc. And yes, I’ve told him in various ways that I like to be kissed and touched not just between my legs. Likewise, he rarely talks when we have sex, even though I’ve told him that it turns me on if he talks dirty, or at all, during sex. I almost always have orgasms and I’m grateful for what I have, but it could be even better. Should I thank my lucky stars that we’re still into each other or what?

A

My first inclination was to suggest that you thank every last one of your lucky stars with a level of enthusiasm that would make Sally Field look like a depressive ingrate. But then I started thinking more about the logistics of the kind of sex your husband fancies. The idea that there would be no warm-up kisses, or hooter fondling, or belly-button tonguing (I’m not the only one who does that, right?) at any point during the act seems cold and kind of soulless. We, as sexual human beings, should be more than just an amalgamation of orifices and blood-engorged fleshy bits. For sex to be a truly transformative experience, there should be eye contact, expressions of passion, attention to out-of-the-way body parts and (in my opinion) some sort of dessert (I recommend pie) within reasonable postcoital proximity. Of course, a weekly regimen of orgasm-inducing oral, vaginal and anal is pretty spectacular too, so yes, you should be appreciative of the blessings you’ve got, but keep pushing your husband to expand his orificecentric horizons.

Q

I’m not sure why I’m even writing to you, because I’m sure I’ll just get ridiculed, but for some reason I feel like doing a little confessing. I’m a 27-year-old straight guy who has absolutely no interest in gay sex. I do have one habit that confuses the issue, though. Whenever I’m driving alone on a highway (which lately has been a lot, because my girlfriend lives out of state), I always end up with a huge hard-on, and then I can’t resist the urge to whip it out and just let it hang out there, for anyone in a car higher than my Ford Focus to check out. Most of the time, no one notices, but when it does get someone’s attention it’s inevitably a male truck driver, and when that happens I get so aroused that I have to pull over and jack off. So there you go. What’s up with that?

A

Well, if you thought I was going to ridicule you because I think you’re actually delusional and closeted, you’re wrong. Maybe I’m getting too jaded, but nothing you just wrote seems particularly confessionworthy to me. As far as I can tell, the thing that’s working you up into a jizz-blowing frenzy is the exhibitionistic aspect of your little highway flashing, not the gender of the flashee. Has a woman ever caught you with your cock out? If so, and it didn’t have the same effect on you, then I might raise an eyebrow or two, but otherwise you seem like a fairly typical hormone-drenched twentysomething. The constant rumble of car (or subway, for that matter) rides have an arousing effect on a lot of guys, so that is totally normal. The whipping-it-out part edges you into kinkier territory, but we’re living in an exhibitionistic age, so even that seems mild compared with the kinds of things you can see folks do online. Basically, I think it comes down to this: You’re in a car alone, you’re bored, and for better or worse the most exciting distraction within your grasp is between your legs. Although there can be a threatening element to flashers who do this kind of thing on the street, the fact that you’re in the car mitigates that, so the idea doesn’t disturb me so much. Would it be better (and more considerate to those drivers who don’t care to see a throbbing penis) if you didn’t do it? Sure, but if this is the worst thing you do in the process of getting your rocks off, I think we’re all getting off pretty easy.

Hmm, what to do with the final 100 words of the column? We just did a sex poll, so that’s out of the question. I recently asked you to send in tales of exotic sexual adventures, so can’t do that. Oh, I’ve got it: Let’s hear some stories about voyeuristic experiences in New York. Which neighbors have you spied on having sex? Whom have you accidentally seen naked through their apartment windows (lots of details, please)? Have you ever happened upon a couple going full-on at it in public? I’ll get you started—in the last apartment I lived in, I saw the neighbor’s wife getting it on—on the floor, the couch, standing up, doggy style, oral, sixty-nine—with someone who most definitely was not my neighbor. Naturally, I shut off the lights and made a night of it.