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Q:

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. Before I get to the problem, I will say that I am a very sexual girl and he’s a very sexual guy: We’re right on par with each other in terms of sexual wants, needs, frequency, etc. We’re both 28 and in good health, but all of a sudden, he’s a “two-minute man.” I do not know why. I’ve tried to figure out if it’s something at work stressing him out, but I don’t think so. Has he been sick? Not that I’m aware of. Are these quickie episodes occurring only when he’s hung over or over-tired? No. In the past I’ve always been amazed at his “regenerative abilities.” We’ll be having sex; I’ll come a couple of times or whatever; he’ll come, and he’ll keep going, work through the semi-stiffness, get hard again and come again without ever pulling out. So now of course, things have become frustrating. Here’s the typical scene nowadays: We start making out, we start heavy petting. Clothes come off, foreplay in full effect. He slips it in, a couple of pumps and he’s done. If I’m going down on him, he has to pull me off him so he doesn’t come so fast. I’ve brought it up to him as delicately as possible, and he just says, “Baby, I don’t know what’s going on.” Is there some medical issue we should consider? Can a guy just become super-sensitive overnight like this? Is there something mental that could be causing it?

A:

Hmmm...this is a bit of a puzzle. How does a guy go from being so rigidly “stay the course” to having to withdraw before the occupation even manages to set off some insurgent juices (sorry, I’m just trying to do my part to lift morale by sexing up these increasingly depressing words). Although you’re wise to look to work-stress issues as a culprit (they definitely have a way of throwing a wrench into the coital works), my hunch is there’s something much more basic going wrong here. The fact is most perfectly healthy and mentally serene men will experience a bout of premature ejaculation at one point or another. Oftentimes, it rears its overeager head after a prolonged period of abstinence, but since you guys seem to have been going at it nonstop for two years now, I have a different suspect in mind: masturbation. If he’s as big a horndog as you’ve made him out to be, chances are he’s got a pretty active jack-off life on the side. Well, wouldn’t regularly jacking off give him even more staying power, you might be asking? Answer: Possibly, but, if he’s prone to speed jerking (i.e., rubbing himself off as quickly as possible), he might also be adversely conditioning himself to be a two-minute-man with you. Sometimes, all it really takes is one night of premature ejaculation to set a guy off into a quick-release vortex. The pressure to last longer starts to screw with his head(s), and before you know it another ill-timed load has been blown. So I would continue to refrain from laying a guilt trip on your boyfriend, while you surreptitiously try to find out whether he’s got a hurried spanking habit that might be teaching his dick a bad trick.

Q:

I recently started dating this guy and we get along great. We’ve slept together, but I have some concerns about our nascent sex life. He’s insecure about his size (he’s pretty big, and I guess some girls have reacted negatively to that). He often seems kind of nervous that he is not hard enough—sheer hydraulics makes it take longer for a big dick to get hard and stay hard. He doesn’t like me to blow him, maybe because of his size, but he also says it’s so overly sensitive that it hurts when I try. He also told me he doesn’t like going down on women, which is fine, I don’t actually love being gone down on, so I didn’t really see that as a deal breaker. But I have never orgasmed with him because he never touches me down there, and I can’t come just from penetration. The other night I got up the nerve to ask him to finger me and he started and I was really turned on and wet and at one point I moved his hand and he freaked out and had to go wash his hand and then he came back and was apologizing profusely. He said that sort of thing is more intimate than sex to him, and he has to know me better. For some reason, he is grossed out by a woman’s genitals and how a woman is turned on and everything. The cruelly ironic thing is that I really am into this guy and he actually turns me on physically more than any other guy I’ve been with. I don’t think I want to stop dating him because of this, and some things have gotten better with time/communication, so there seems to be hope, right? I want him and I want to be with him but I want to come, too. How can I help him, and us?

A:

I can practically hear the entire tristate region smacking their foreheads while reading this and screaming, “Hey lady, your boyfriend’s gayer than a turtleneck doggie-sweater!” And I have to admit, I’d be hard-pressed to disagree with them. I mean take a good look at this sentence you wrote: “For some reason, he is grossed out by a woman’s genitals and how a woman is turned on and everything” (actually I don’t even think most gay guys would go that far—they’re very pro-orgasm, the gays). Although I admire your commitment to making this relationship work, there comes a time when you have to face the frigidly cold, semihard facts. My first instinct is to advise you to break things off, pronto. But in order to avoid being labeled a cut-and-runner, I’ve devised a phased withdrawal plan for you. Phase 1: Bilateral talks. This is where you sit him down and get him to explain what exactly his damage is. Has he always been a bit sexually skittish? Have previous girlfriends engendered the same response from him? Is there anything you can do to make him more secure in the sack? What is it about the vagina that freaks him out so much? And add this one for my sake: How does it feel to be the only gargantu-schlonged guy in the universe who’s actually ashamed of his endowment? (This guy’s a piece of work on so many mind-boggling levels.) Phase 2: The intimacy update. If he’s chalking up his gyno-phobia to mere lack of bonding time, then fine, we’ll give him a few more months to cozy up to you and your nether regions. After that, he gets no more excuses. It’s one thing to deal with a partner’s sexual peccadilloes, it’s quite another to be completely shut out of the event altogether, and I won’t sit by and let you do that to yourself. Phase 3: It depends on what happens during phase 2, but if he doesn’t show signs of becoming more sexually inclusive and giving, then it’s time to get the hell out.

Send letters to Jamie Bufalino c/o Time Out New York, 475 Tenth Avenue, 12th floor, New York, NY 10018, or send e-mail to sex@timeoutny.com. Find more “Get Naked” online at timeoutnewyork.com.

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