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Get Naked: Sex advice for New Yorkers (July 19, 2012)

Jamie Bufalino shares a reader’s scintillating story of alfresco sex.

Q I am a 30-year-old straight female with good grooming habits and a great job. But I am also about 40 pounds overweight, with a severe case of trichotillomania. No men (of any shape, age or type) have approached me in over a year. I can’t say I really blame them. Because I haven’t found a guy to take one for the team, I feel hornier every day. This goes beyond masturbation. Which leads me to my question: Is it possible to find a straight male prostitute in NYC? I know it’s easy to find gay male escorts. And I really don’t want a gay escort who will go straight for pay—just a heterosexual professional.

A This “male escort for women” question pops up in my inbox with surprising frequency, and because it’s a basic inescapable fact that the sex-for-hire industry simply doesn’t cater to the needs of women the way it does men, I tend to suggest the same upscale (seemingly, anyway) establishment: Concierge du Monde (conciergedumonde.com). Having never procured its services, and because I’ve never heard back from any women to whom I’ve made this recommendation, I can’t vouch for its quality, etc., but there you have it. Personally, I’m much more interested in escorting you through the process of getting some sex for free. First of all, trichotillomania basically means that she can’t control the urge to twist and tug at her hair to the point of pulling it out of her scalp (thereby, presumably, leaving bald spots dotting her head). It’s an obsessive-compulsive disorder, which—just like being 40 pounds overweight—can be fixed if you find the right mix of help from professionals and perhaps medication, as well as the fortitude to change your circumstances. Honestly, paying for sex would be one of the worst things you could do, because what you really need is strong motivation to turn your life around, and having a guy sex you up is (appropriately enough) one of the biggest carrots the universe could ever dangle in front of you. You’re far too young to give up on having a well-rounded sex life. On the other hand, you’re getting a little too old to keep making excuses for the deficiencies in your life. It’s time to get your emotional and physical act together and then treat yourself to some mind-blowing coitus.

Q Ever since I can remember, I’ve had a thing for women’s calves. Muscular calves turn me on and, at this point, it’s a full-blown fetish. I do also love female muscles generally, but the trigger is usually the calves. Summertime is, for me, what it must be like for most guys if they could walk through the open pages of a nude magazine. It’s the first thing I notice on a woman, and I’m often not inclined to communicate with them if I see they don’t have the muscular calves. Should I be trying to fix this or should I just embrace it and continue seeking what I desire? And second, why do you think I’m so drawn to a woman’s muscular calves?

A I’m trying to wrap my head around why someone would choose not to embrace the things that turn him on the most. The only reason I could come up with for why you might be second-guessing your sexual quirk is that you think you could be missing out on meeting some really great women simply because you’ve dismissed their lackluster calves. I suppose that’s a possibility, but think about it: Wouldn’t you always be feeling like you weren’t reaching your sexual potential if you were with a woman (no matter how great) who didn’t fulfill your fetishistic fantasy? Besides, it’s not like there aren’t tons of amazing women out there who also are intimately familiar with the leg-press machine (or some other gam-bulking exercises). As for the “where did this fetish come from?” question, who knows? Likely some woman with hearty calves caught your eye in childhood or adolescence and helped you tap into a sexual craving. It doesn’t matter how it came about, just get down on your knees and worship it.

Now, in my ongoing reveal of various “outdoor sexcapades” submitted to me from horny scofflaw readers, I give you this raunchy tale—from a straight woman—which reaches from Union Square to an adult bookstore to the Jacob Javits Center (which, personally, I find to be a total boner-killer).

Last September I met someone off of a dating website. We met in Union Square and had dinner. Afterward, we decided to go for a walk. In the middle of it, he unexpectedly pulled me close to him and we started making out on the sidewalk. Not only was I completely turned on by the impulsiveness, but he was quite impressive with his kissing skills. A few make-out sessions later throughout Chelsea, we wound up getting frisky inside of an adult peep-store booth. After being told that we weren’t allowed to share a booth, he left and went into the booth next to mine. At this point, I was introduced to the delightful kinkiness of a glory hole. Licking and sucking him with the air of anonymity heightened the experience for us both. Then we continued on our walk uptown. As we neared the Jacob Javits Center, he suggested that we finish what was started and we ended up in an abandoned lot close by. I was a bit apprehensive, but my fascination with the excitement, spontaneity and taboo seduction that I had felt throughout the night took over. He pulled out his dick and we both took turns stroking it until he came. Needless to say, it was one of the most unique and exciting first dates I’ve ever been on. Nine months later, and I am having the best sex of my life with this guy.

Thanks for the titillating tale, and I’m glad you’re still feeling the lust. Not to be a buzzkill, but that first encounter seemed to focus on his penile area an awful lot, so I hope you’ve branched out into your own nether regions more since then.

Send letters to Jamie Bufalino c/o Time Out New York, 475 Tenth Avenue, 12th floor, New York, NY 10018, or send e-mail to sex@timeoutny.com.

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