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Get Naked: Sex advice for New Yorkers (October 11, 2012)

Jamie Bufalino addresses the potentially disastrous specter of an ex.

Photograph: Courtesy Shutterstock
Q I’m curious to hear your take on this situation: I recently had a major tiff with a longtime sex partner. Two gay men here: not kids; one is in his sixties, the other in his late fifties. I became pretty angry when my partner started texting during oral sex. I felt disrespected and insulted, and it almost caused a serious problem in the relationship. Call me old-fashioned, but I believe there is a time and place for everything, and texting during sex is not appropriate. Have any of your readers faced this situation? Things are okay between us now, but I’m asking, did I overreact? I was pretty angry for a day or two.

For the sake of maintaining some faith in humanity and all that is right and holy, I’m going to assume that this texting infraction happened while your sex partner was on the receiving end of the blow job and not the administering end (although, sadly, I assume someone out there has experienced the latter indignity as well). In any case, no, you most certainly did not overreact. I personally love my iThis and thatPad, but it bugs me that people often use technology to escape being connected to the present. I get super peeved when spontaneous individualistic texting erupts during a dinner conversation, so I can only imagine how aggravated you got when it happened in the bedroom. If you’re writing in to further chide your sex partner, then I hereby endorse your chiding. Now, having said that: In the process of writing this response, I had a mental flash. I found myself picturing a faceless but dexterous person live-tweeting their participation in a sex act, which I found surprisingly arousing. So although I stand by my general “don’t sex and text” stance, I will allow a little wiggle room for using it to enhance the sexual experience, rather than shifting focus from the human being whose moist lips are wrapped around one’s seriously undeserving schlong.

Q Eight months ago, I got engaged to a man I love very much. We live together, and our wedding is planned for early 2013. Four months ago, a man I dated years back contacted me online. I thought he was the man of my dreams. To say I was hurt when he broke up with me is an understatement. I didn’t think I’d ever recover. In his recent note, my ex told me how much he missed me and said he felt terrible for breaking my heart. Although I shouldn’t have, I e-mailed him back, and he then insisted that we meet for lunch. Out of curiosity, I met him, and it was like no time had passed. We ended up sleeping together less than a week later. I feel beyond terrible for cheating on my fiancé and for not telling him that my ex had contacted me. I think my fiancé suspects something is up, but the feelings I have for my ex are real, and I can’t get him out of my mind. My ex thinks we are meant for each other.  I can’t imagine breaking off my engagement to the sweetest man I’ve ever known for one who broke my heart and can’t be trusted (apparently, I can’t be trusted either). At the same time, I can’t believe that I might have a chance to work things out with the man I thought I was meant to be with. Confusion and the potential for serious hurt exist. Help.

Talk about understatements. Yes, there is potential for people to get seriously hurt here. And something tells me it’s likely to be your fiancé. I mean, you don’t write a long letter to a sexpert about a situation like this unless you’re close to ending things and you’re thinking that your last hope to save the relationship is if that moralistic dweeb in the back of TONY talks you out of it. Guess what? You’re not going to get any moralizing from me. Not because you haven’t acted like a truly shitty fiancée, but mainly because I sense that you won’t be able to live with yourself unless you give the ex another shot. Let’s be honest: Chances are, this is going to play out horribly. Sobbing fiancé, same loutish behavior from the ex, already-shattered self-respect. But sometimes the only way you can truly learn a lesson about appreciating what you have rather than romanticizing what might be is to completely shatter your life, become thoroughly disappointed with the new (old) life that sprouts up from the wreckage and then start from scratch once again. Good luck with all that.

Q I am a late-thirties female. I just ended a relationship of five months with a much younger boyfriend. The sex was great, and he even wanted me to move into his place. However, it turned out that he was not legally divorced, which he blurted out at the lease signing. Plus, he was cheating on me. Recently I started going out with someone closer to my age: very mature, reliable, responsible and very gentlemanly. I really adore this person, but here’s the question: This guy is very different from any of my past dates. He’s overweight. He says he wants to stay healthy and start working out more. I really want to support him, but until he loses the weight, I’m afraid I will not find him sexually attractive. I still think of my ex’s slender, boyish body as a big turn-on. Should I be honest with my feelings and refrain from developing a sexual relationship with the new guy?

Let’s see here—should we go back to the slender, boyish body that masks a duplicitous scoundrel’s heart, or should we stick with the new guy until we effectively fat-shame him into fighting shape? I believe that’s the question Eve asked herself while she was trying to tempt Adam into eating an apple instead of a dozen Doritos Locos Tacos. Why don’t we face facts: You’re just not feeling it. You say you “adore” this new guy, but basically you like him as a friend, so why put him through the agony of trying to hang onto you by desperately ab-crunching his way to becoming a new, more lovable (by you, that is) person? Chances are—given that he’s older than the first dude—he’s never going to achieve that body type you’ve been dreaming about, so let him down easy and move on.

Send letters to Jamie Bufalino c/o Time Out New York, 475 Tenth Avenue, 12th floor, New York, NY 10018, or send e-mail to sex@timeoutny.com.