10 surgeries New Yorkers need right now

Think you’re perfect just the way you are? How cute. We’ve got what you need for an even better version of you.

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Botox and nose jobs are so yesterday. Women in Beverly Hills are modifying their feet to wear fancy shoes (seems reasonable), which got us thinking: What surgical procedures could New Yorkers benefit from?

Third-hand attachment

For simultaneously holding the pole and doing the crossword on a crowded subway. (Like hair extensions, available in both permanent and clip-on varieties. Also comes with the option of third-eye attachment, for inner peace while multitasking.)

Slow-release valerian-root implants

Disperses calming herbs into your bloodstream; gets activated when the person in front of you incorrectly swipes his MetroCard more than once.

Geometrical posterior realignment

Square off the plush part of the tush to make sitting in uncomfy plastic subway seats more pleasurable. (True, your pants won't fit, but it'll be worth it.)

Midi-chlorian cell injection

For when you need the Force to convince your cabbie to go to Brooklyn or Queens. "Drive me to Ridgewood, you will."

Edward Scissor-hand-over-that-blouse extensions

Crucial for beating the fashionistas to the punch at competitive sample sales. (Please use these responsibly, i.e., no slashing of other shoppers: These are to be used purely for garment procurement.)

Sweat-gland replacement

One sweat gland is replaced with an on-demand Purell button, for easy application after you've touched something gross (which, in NYC, is always).

Giraffification

So you can crane your neck and see how freakin' long it's going to take to make it to the front of the brunch line. Comes in both manual and automatic.

Rolly soles

Wheels that pop out of the bottoms of the feet for when you realize you're going to be late for work. Just say the words, "Oh, shit!" and the wheels engage. (Comes with turbo-option cruise control for the excessively late and lazy.) Particularly helpful for navigating around tourists.

Retractable nostril flaps

Unfurl them the second you realize why that subway car you just stepped into is empty. Great during the summer months, when the eau de pee permeates every block.

Wi-Fi–chip skin embeds

Google Glass? Psshaw. We need chips implanted directly into our skin so we can ALWAYS. BE. ONLINE. (Evolution will take care of the rest, like thinner fingers for easier texting.) Now stop talking to me, I need to tweet something.



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Editor: Marley Lynch (@marleyasinbob)

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