fine-tune your gaydar

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Is he gay, or just a straight guy who happens to collect antiques? Are those Ermenegildo Zegna Abigeato shoes the hetero antichrist, or just good taste? When it comes to sussing out dates, it helps to know who’s on your team. We asked New Yorker and knitter-cheerleader–go-go-boy–step-aerobics-instructor Joel Derfner, author of Swish: My Quest to Become the Gayest Person Ever, to devise four questions to ask yourself when revving up your gaydar. Ask ’em on Tue 13 at Derfner’s book signing at the Barnes & Noble in Greenwich Village.—Drew Toal


Illustrations: Atsuhiro Siasho

Step 1: Is he a hot movie star?
“Regardless of whether he’s ever said he’s gay, it’s certain that some man somewhere claims to have slept with him,” says Derfner. “That’s good enough for you.”


Step 2: Is he European?
With that cursed accent, “all bets are off,” says Derfner. “American gaydar is confounded by men from across the pond. They’re all gorgeous and obviously gay, and then after you’ve spent two hours flirting with them and they ask for your phone number, they crush you by saying they’re going to a party with their wife and that you should come because there will be some hot chicks there.”


Step 3: Is he a Republican politician with an antigay voting record?
“Oh, Mary, please.”


Step 4: Do you want to sleep with him?
The libido is never wrong. The gayest person ever always concludes his analysis thusly: “Time spent deciding whether or not he actually is gay is time you could have spent fantasizing about the house you’ll buy together.”

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