Game on

It's nightstick versus joystick when our fearless copper patrols the video gamers at Ace Bar.

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Ben goes all Second Amendment on Big Buck.

Ben goes all Second Amendment on Big Buck. Photograph: Michael Kirby

CRIME

Cheating
You’re only defrauding yourself—and every other game nerd who wants to beat your high score.

VIOLATOR

Ben, Queens
Ben stood in front of Big Buck Hunter, armed and dangerous (to a digital sheep, at least) with his plastic rifle just inches away from the screen, closer than is technically allowed. He’s what is known in the BBH community as a “screen stabber,” a cheatin’ bastard who kills animated mammals at point-blank range. “I’ve never shot a gun in real life, so I don’t know what I’m doing,” he said, as he blasted the brains of a moose in pixelated Manitoba. Still, he only managed to average a measly 14 percent accuracy. Just goes to show that cheaters never prosper, yet still end up looking like jackholes in the process.

CRIME

Treating games like a piece of furniture
What were you, raised in a barn? Use a coaster, you Neanderthal!

VIOLATOR

Ryan, Manhattan
I caught Ryan and his posse loitering around the CSI pinball machine for 35 minutes, nary a single game played, blocking it from anyone who might want to give the silver ball a whack. Instead, they used the game as a makeshift bar table, leaning against it and placing their beer bottles on it. “It’s glass-on-glass, so it won’t leave a mark,” explains Ryan. What he lacks in pinball etiquette, he certainly make up for in household tips. Watch your back, Martha Stewart.

CRIME

Game abuse
No matter how drunk you are, how badly you’re losing, or how much Pac-Man taunts you, it never deserves to be smacked around.

VIOLATOR

Eric, Brooklyn
Wearing an “Eric the Great” T-shirt, this criminal was nowhere near greatness in his quest to play Skee-Ball, choosing to juggle the balls instead of rolling them down the lane. And worse, he sucked at juggling, too. When he dropped one of the heavy, wooden balls, a bartender reminded him to be gentle because the machines are 15 years old. The gamer merely whined about being bumped and then promptly took a shot of Jger. Alexander the Great and the Great Cornholio would like their title back.

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