Google Glass for New Yorkers: What we want to see

Oi, Brin: We're a special people with special needs. Here are the features and apps Google's Project Glass needs to include in its smart-specs.

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Bye bye, lens-less nerd glasses; hello, the next big thing in stuff you can put on your face—Google Glass.

Recently, Google cofounder Sergey Brin was photographed calmly riding the subway wearing a pair like it ain't no thing (when he could, if he so wanted, have an Iron Man suit built and buzz the poor denizens of the city until we cower in fear). Now, his company has announced that it will be releasing 8,000 pairs to volunteers through a selective process (watch the video below for a full explanation).

Since we would never be chosen—we wouldn't be able to include the hashtag #ifihadglass without making a meth joke (we blame Breaking Bad), and we don't have a spare $1,500 to lay down—we thought we'd just abuse our position in the media to push our own agenda. What follows are renderings of essential features and apps we think would be of the most use to New Yorkers.

  • Design: Bryan Mayes

    Subway Scan

    Avoid unpleasant surprises on your commute; Glass gives you a sneak peek inside subway cars without you having to take a whiff—er…look—yourself.

  • Design: Sarah Mulligan

    SidewalkNav

    Stuck in midtown and trying to get somewhere fast? Find the quickest path through the befuddled tourists, slow-walking hordes and listing drunks.

  • Design: Bryan Mayes

    SneakAway

    Awkward encounters on the sidewalk: the bane of every New Yorker’s existence. Let Glass alert you to approaching bosses, exes and that dude who used to stalk you in college.

  • Design: Bryan Mayes

    NYC Singles Spotter

    We do not like to have our ego bruised. This innovative feature uses facial recognition software to find and then mine a person's social-media presence. Combined with environmental data, it helps to make sure you're not wasting your time nor punching above your weight class. A micropayment system allows easy access to CliffsNotes on film noir. A controversial Tucker Max plug-in also makes an estimate of the target's self-worth.

  • Design: Joe Paul

    Boozygraph

    Find out what’s in your cocktail—and whether or not the bartender skimped on the hard stuff.

  • Design: Joe Paul

    Analyze-a-Dog

    Even if you don’t want to know…you should probably know. Now go get yourself a nice salad, maybe.

  • Design: Bryan Mayes

    Bedbug Scan-o-matic 3000

    The successor to Cockroach Scan-o-matic 1000 (which had to be recalled when people realized just how many roaches there were and permanently adopted the fetal position) checks city records and scans for live specimens. This app is commonly blamed for the death of the stoop sale.

  • Design: Sarah Mulligan

    I've Just Come Back from There

    Taxi drivers, fed up of being tricked into stopping for people who want to go to Brooklyn from Manhattan, can use this app to identify and avoid residents of Kings County.

  • Photograph: Filip Wolak. Design: Joe Paul

    TerminatorVision

    Through a groundbreaking development—Retinal projection? Brain implants? Who cares? Let the nerds work it out!—users can see the world like a Terminator. Ultimately pointless, but badass.

  • Design: Sarah Mulligan

    CyclopsVision

    You might not be able to actually destroy your enemies with your eyeballs, but how about a virtual Scott Summers optic blast? Revenge is sweet.

  • Design: Joe Paul

    Billboard Replacer

    For those who believe our current reality is based on John Carpenter's 1988 film They Live. LOLcats version also available.

  • Design: Sarah Mulligan

    EmpanadaVision

    In a meeting? Hungry? Bored? The answer is obvious: Turn your coworkers’ heads into virtual savory pastries. You're welcome.

Design: Bryan Mayes

Subway Scan

Avoid unpleasant surprises on your commute; Glass gives you a sneak peek inside subway cars without you having to take a whiff—er…look—yourself.


Follow Jenna Scherer on Twitter: @secondhusk

Follow Jonathan Shannon on Twitter: @jshanns


Users say

3 comments
LL
LL

Oh please. Women look at men the same way.

catie
catie

Ew. Ew. Ew. The way you write about women here is really gross and creepy.

Joe
Joe

hahahahahahahaha love it!