Man can live by bread (and eggs) alone

Dear Diary,

Upon returning from vacation in Japan, I find I have no money. As such, I have chosen to limit my food spending to three tenners for the month. Is it possible? I’ve sworn off mooching and handouts—except for a few perfect Italian meals made by my girlfriend’s mother. Plus, I did a full inventory of everything digestible in my kitchen, including all the “food” hibernating in the back of the freezer, cowering behind the garlic salt in the cupboard and relaxing in that moisture-controlled cheese drawer. For better or worse, it will all get used.

Day 1: Leftovers get me through breakfast and lunch. Dinner is an old Tröegs Nugget Nectar and a home brew I made months ago. Beer is liquid bread, after all. Bought burger rolls with girlfriend: $1.50.

Day 5: Shopping! Split $12.22 with the GF on flour, eggs, ten pounds of potatoes and one plump eggplant to fry for dinner. Flour’s gonna love that yeast I found in the fridge door.

Day 6: Over-easy eggs hit the spot for breakfast. Then a day at my mom’s, complete with dinner and dessert.

Amish white bread $2.79

Photograph: Jeff Quinn

Day 7: Old Fig Newtons and free leftovers from Mom’s. Then, my second-ever attempt at making bread: In the kitchen I find the oil, salt and packet of yeast I’ll need. Add $2.79 spent on flour and I have myself four loaves of sweet white Amish bread for 3¢ a slice. Nutella from the cabinet makes the first still-warm slice a near religious experience.

Day 10: Birthday party at Stanton Public. I stick out the whole night with just one sip of a friend’s stout—small enough to avoid crossing my no-mooching line. It feels good to not take out my wallet at all. Later, I plunk down $2.25 for a slice. That’s three weeks of breakfast right there. Ouch. Total spent so far: $11.26.

Day 11: Massive mound of potato chunks doused in curry powder and baked. Enough for a few dinners and many snacks. Note: Well-seasoned spuds can be a whole meal.

Day 13: Bought shelled peanuts ($1.43) for homemade peanut butter. Way too much work for less than a jar’s worth.

Day 15: Getting sick. Lack of essential nutrients? All organs seem to be functioning like normal and my energy levels are decent. Plus, what does 90 percent of the world eat? I’ll assume I’m not actually crumbling on the inside.

Day 16: Dinner: Legendary five-for-$1 pork dumplings at Prosperity Dumpling in Chinatown. Hilarious that this is splurging. Late night: Canal Street fruit stand’s three-for-$1 orange deal, but they taste like couch stuffing.

Day 17: $4.07 at Sunrise Mart on six meals’ worth of ramen (would a month on the cheap be complete without it?) and a pack of eight jalapeños. A day just might come when I won’t want potato or egg.

Day 18: Saw this disaster a mile away: a friend’s birthday dinner at Frank. Big group. Do I tell them I’m a freak show? No way. I’m…uh…not feeling well. “Oh, I’ll just have the tomato soup” costs me $9. Nine dollars! There goes nearly a third of my entire budget. I consider giving up entirely and going for the $31 venison dish, but I hang on. Total spent so far: $27.76

The 54¢ meal

Photograph: Jeff Quinn

Day 19: Here is why I rule: eggs, 33¢; potatoes, 9¢; hot peppers, 12¢. That’s a 54¢ meal, beeyatch.

Day 20: Toast, free pizza from a staff meeting, still-good chicken cutlets that have been in my freezer since before YouTube. Bread batch No. 2 yields four more loaves.

Day 24: Way, way old Trader Joe’s prepackaged Indian meal, prehistoric veggie-burger patty tossed in for good measure. Pride has become an overpoweringly tasty ingredient.

Day 28: I want vegetables. Turning down my girlfriend’s pricey green groceries hurts deeply.

Day 29: Done already? Last purchase is a mediocre loaf of French bread, $1, after I split it with my girlfriend.

Day 30 A look online at my bank activity confirms this was a fantastic idea. I have a ton of potatoes left, half a jar of peanut butter, two loaves of Amish bread in the freezer and the will to go on—provided I get some greens in me, ASAP.

GRAND TOTAL

$28.76

Day 31: Brunch at DuMont for $20, followed by $20 trip to Radegast Hall & Biergarten.