Not-safe-for-family fun

'Tis the season to be naughty at these NSFW holiday events.

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Jackie Beat: The Nutcracker
The incorrigible performer tramples merrily over the boundaries of good taste with her 14th annual seasonal show. This year promises to be as wacky as ever, with new tunes (including "It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Syphilis") and old favorites, such as "Alcoholidaze," that skewer everything people hold dear about the season. Laurie Beechman Theatre (at the West Bank Caf), 407 W 42nd St between Ninth and Tenth Aves, downstairs (212-352-3101, spinyclenyc.com). Fri 16 at 7:30pm; $22 plus $15 minimum.

A Very Merry Polesque
While the North Pole is a terrible place to try pole dancing—frostbite in some very delicate places would be a constant issue—those logistical concerns won't apply to this sultry spectacle, combining burly-Q performances and sets from limber ladies. The vivacious competitors will go head-to-head in festive three-minute routines to determine who is the most acrobatic of them all. Galapagos Art Space, 16 Main St at Water St, Dumbo, Brooklyn (718-222-8500, galapagosartspace.com). Sun 18 at 8pm; $30, advance $20.

Dances of Vice Pure Imagination Holiday Brunch
Shien Lee and her fantastical cohorts mash up Toyland and Candy Land in this special holiday brunch and cabaret show. The party will feature live jazz and swing, as well as holiday-themed performances by local swells including Dandy Wellington, Rita MenWeep and Calamity Chang. Dressing to impress is mandatory: Suggestions include toy soldiers, elves and windup ballerinas. Le Poisson Rouge, 158 Bleecker St at Thompson St (212-505-3474, lepoissonrouge.com). Sun 18 at 1pm; $15--$20.

A John Waters Christmas
The undisputed king of bad taste brings his one-man holiday extravaganza, in which he riffs on a wide range of seasonal topics, back to New York City. Expect to hear about his favorite Christmas songs and movies, and you may even be asked to join in carols such as "Happy Birthday, Jesus." For more from the Baltimore auteur, see "The Hot Seat." B.B. King Blues Club & Grill, 237 W 42nd St between Seventh and Eighth Aves (212-997-4144, bbkingblues.com). Mon 19, Tue 20 at 8pm; $45, advance $39.50, VIP meet and greet $99.

Naked Girls Reading: A Christmas Carol
It's unlikely that Charles Dickens would have approved of a completely nude version of his classic holiday tale. But that doesn't mean you can't enjoy this annual reading of A Christmas Carol, led by Nasty Canasta as Ebenezer Scrooge. She'll be joined by other burlesque beauties, including Legs Malone and Darlinda Just Darlinda. UNDER St. Marks, 94 St. Marks Pl between First Ave and Ave A (nakedgirlsreadingnyc.blogspot.com). Wed 21 at 9pm; $20.

Martinis N' Mistletoe
For its first annual holiday celebration, the New York Burlesque Festival gathers a star-studded cast—including Dirty Martini, the World Famous Pontani Sisters, Shelly the Singing Siren and Miss Harvest Moon—to put a sultry twist on the typical Christmas party. The shindig will also feature live jazz from the Brian Newman Quintet and Diamond Redd, as well as a boutique where you can stock up on goodies such as pasties and vintage lingerie. Le Poisson Rouge, 158 Bleecker St at Thompson St (212-505-3474, lepoissonrouge.com). Thu 22 at 8pm; $20--$35 plus two-item minimum.

Nightmare (Before Christmas): The Experiment
If the holiday season fills you with a sense of dread rather than good cheer, head to the latest terrifying attraction from the producers of the Nightmare haunted house. Visitors will endure ten twisted scenarios to gauge their emotional responses—and a few unlucky participants may be brought onstage to experience the fear in front of the audience. Los Kabayitos Laboratorio, 107 Suffolk St between Delancey and Rivington Sts, second floor (212-352-3101, nightmarenewyork.com). Schedule varies; $20. Through Fri 23.

PG-rated events

Holidelic
Christmas music gets a funky twist courtesy of Everett Bradley, a Grammy-nominated performer who's like a cross between Cee Lo Green and Will Ferrell's character in Elf. Revelers are invited to boogie down to his original holiday songs, as well as booty-shakin' versions of classic tunes. Joe's Pub, 425 Lafayette St between Astor Pl and E 4th St (212-539-8778, joespub.com). Fri 16 at 7pm; Sat 17 at 7pm; Mon 19 at 9:30pm; $25.

The Harry Potter Yule Ball
Don your finest dress robes and pretend you're at Hogwarts during this celebration of the Boy Who Lived. Catch live sets from wizard-rockers such as Harry and the Potters, Draco and the Malfoys (who will play their second-to-last show) and Potter Puppet Pals. The Bell House, 149 7th St between Second and Third Aves, Gowanus, Brooklyn (718-643-6510, thebellhouseny.com). Sat 17 at 5pm; $18.

Jewmongous
Laugh your tochis off at this holiday revue, presented by former Rockapella member Sean Altman. The songwriter brings his sardonic wit to seasonal songs, including "Christian Baby Blood" and "They Tried to Kill Us (We Survived, Let's Eat)." Joe's Pub, 425 Lafayette St between Astor Pl and E 4th St (212-539-8778, joespub.com). Sat 24 at 7pm; $25, advance $20.

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