Feel like throwing money around like bad advice? Be inspired by the latest buys at some of the biggest auction houses, then bid away in May online or in person. Alexis Ong picks the most outrageous offerings on the block

April auctions
Sotheby’s 
A black ‘Lingbi’ rock
Song Dynasty Mythical Lingzhi 
24.5cm by 25cm Black ‘Lingbi’ limestone with subtle white veining, zitan stand. Three intaglio inscriptions by Mi Fu (inscribed in 1088); one each by Yu Ji, Wen Zhengming, Wen Peng and Wen Jia Before you ask why anyone would shell out nearly $1 million for a rock, Lingbi aren’t just bits of rubble – they’re top dog among Chinese Scholars’ Rocks (literally, rocks often used by scholars for meditation). Lingbi naturally form into beautiful shapes and have a sheen similar to black lacquer, hence the nickname ‘Magical Black Fungus’. In addition to being ‘lustrous like grease’, according to the Sotheby’s catalogue, this white-veined stunner has all 12 of the criteria used to appraise scholars’ rocks – which include adjectives like ‘ugly’, ‘clumsy’ and ‘wrinkled’ (we are not making this up). Collectors go gaga for its beauty and ability to resonate (a nice qing! sound) when tapped. But seriously, come on guys. It’s a freakin’ rock. 
Estimate: S$531,881– S$886,469 

Sotheby’s 
A 72.22-carat white pear-shaped diamong 
Type IIa, flawless clarity 
Apparently, Type IIa diamonds are the most chemically pure of the lot and incredibly transparent. Which, of course, warrants the $13 million price tag – why shouldn’t you wear the GDP of a third world country on your finger? Not to mention that this is the biggest pear-shaped D-colour flawless diamond to grace an Asian auction. However, this isn’t nearly as big as they get – it’s actually whittled down from a 188.11- carat mother. 
Estimate: S$13,828,871–S$17,729,322 

May auctions
Borobudur
Art and Sex by Wang Guangyi
99.5cm x 149cm, Oil on canvas 
With a name like this, you’d think Wang’s painting would be full of controversial, lewd images, but sadly not. The image of a fully clad girl in mid-leap somehow doesn’t cut it. With the highest estimate of all the lots, the maxim that ‘sex sells’ is a bit of a stretch here. 
Estimate: S$300,000 – S$400,000 
Preview: 15 & 16 May, 10am-8pm; auction: 18 May. Hall 601, Suntec International Convention & Exhibition Centre (9731 3241, www.borobudurauction.com). 

Marilyn Monroe vs Mao by Kim Dong-Yoo
162cm x 130cm, Oil on canvas
Painting thousands of little Maos must have made this Korean artist’s pinko fingers tired (get it? We know you do). Tell you what – you pay us S$300,000 and we’ll dress up as Ms Norma Jean and sing ‘Happy Birthday Mr Dictator’ to Kim Jong Il in person. That’s a guaranteed offer, folks. 
Estimate: S$200,000 – S$300,000 
Preview: 15 & 16 May, 10am-8pm; auction 18 May. Hall 601, Suntec International Convention & Exhibition Centre (9731 3241, www.borobudurauction.com). 

Christie’s 
A 101.27-carat colourless diamond
F colour, internally flawless, VVS1 clarity 
Hey Sotheby’s, Christie’s bling is bigger than yours (oh, burn!). This overgrown chunk of carbon is the largest colourless diamond to go under the hammer in the past 18 years. While ‘internally flawless’, it is ranked VVS1 (very very slightly imperfect, 1st degree) for clarity due to natural surface graining. Which is exactly what you should point out when Mr Right pops the question with this enormous gem. Jeez, how could you not notice? 
Estimate: S$8,284,704 
Preview: 10 & 11 May, 11am-7pm; auction 24-28 May (HK). St Regis Singapore, 29 Tanglin Rd (6235 3828, www.christies.com). Go to the website to bid. 

Imperial Chinese 'Singing Birds' Clock
Period, circa 1790 Ormolu, enamel and paste-set 
Christie’s isn’t exaggerating when they say that this is one of the most extravagant clocks ever made. You’re thinking: what the hell is ormolu? Well, it’s a fancy word for gilt bronze – gold pounded onto a bronzed object. This ridiculously ornate automated clock does a song and dance every hour with its tiny army of spinning toys: carp, birds, people, qilin and fl owers. 
Estimate: S$800,676 – S$1,146,010 
Preview: 10 & 11 May, 11am-7pm; auction 24-28 May (HK). St Regis Singapore, 29 Tanglin Rd (6235 3828, www.christies.com). Go to the website to bid.