Blame it on the long working week, the fact that we live in a South-East Asian hub or just pure laziness: taking a vacation abroad isn’t a reality for everyone. No worries –TOS has a few good reasons (and ways how) to stay-cation in Singapore

Itinerary No 1: Get malled to death
Jill Sara gets a head start on the upcoming Great Singapore Sale

FRIDAY
Seasoned shoppers know that a successful shopping spree requires one key accessory: sensible shopping shoes. The right pair can mean the difference between a quick foot-reflexology session and bunion surgery. For the fashion-conscious, Limited Edt Vault (#03-12 The Heeren, 6836 9095) has hard-to-find pairs of Adidas, Onitsuka Tiger, Marc Jacobs and Vans Paul Smith that will get your heart racing (if not, the hefty price tags certainly will). Now that you’re set, it’s time to head home and grab some Zs; you’re going to need it.

SATURDAY
Load up on energy the Singaporean way: slurpdown a hot cup of kopi and chow down on Killiney Kopitiam’s (67 Killiney Rd, 6734 9648) buttery kaya toast and watery, half-boiled eggs seasoned with pepper and soya sauce. Word of advice: chomp on some mints afterward.

Make your first stop CK Tang, aka Tangs, home to Tangs Beauty Hall, where brands like MAC, Jurlique, La Mer and Benefit beckon alongside speciality services such as Shu Uemura’s Tokyo Lash Bar. Upstairs, browse through PlayLab for urban street-style apparel, or the third-level Wardrobe Women department to experiment with chic pieces from Tatty Devine and Alannah Hill.

Before you head to another mall, drop your bags at the customer-service desk on the second level for collection later. Or, if you’ve spent more than $300, do it VIP-style and get it sent (free delivery) home ahead of you. For this weekend, home is next-door neighbour Grand Hyatt where the Awaken package ($505 per night, inclusive of an American breakfast and a late checkout) suits the shop-first, pamper-later itineraries best.

From one hotel to the next: spend the afternoon at the Hilton Gallery (581 OrchardRd, 6737 2233) where top designer labels Marni, Bvlgari, Jil Sander, Louis Vuitton and Manolo Blahnik have parked their gilded wares. For an added luxe fix, walk through the linkway (how convenient) to multi-label powerhouse Club21 (#01-02 Four Seasons Hotel, 190 OrchardBlvd, 6235 0753) stocked with sharp menswear from Martin Margiela, Dior Homme, Comme des Garçons and Raf Simons. From there, continue to the hip Blackjack (#01-10 Forum TheShopping Mall, 583 Orchard Rd, 6735 0975) boutique where racks of cutting-edge DSquaredand Yohji Yamamoto garments await.

Cross the street to Marmalade Pantry and geta sugar rush with one of its divine Nutella orlimonata cupcakes. And if you can still stomach more retail therapy, sneak into Inhabit (#B1-03 Palais Renaissance, 6235 6995) for designerdenim by the likes of 3.1 Phillip Lim and Citizens of Humanity; Puce (#03-03 Palais Renaissance,6735 4550) for swanky swimwear; and The Lingerie Shop (#02-09 Palais Renaissance; 67323091), where actress Gong Li has been spotted.

Head back to the hotel and grab a hot shower before dinner at StraitsKitchen. Done buffet-style, the all-halal cuisine prepared right on the spot will warm any growling tummy. Burn off those dinner calories by heading out for yet another stint of shopping. Saturdays on Orchard Road are a serial shopper’s dream, with many department stores staying open till 11pm. The Heeren Singapore is the place for indie and mainstream brands. Pop into Spin The Bottle on the third floor, NewUrbanMale and Queen’s Couture on the fourth level, and make your way down via the triple-deck HMV. Wrapit all up with a nice cold one at the 24-hour Balcony Bar, with its rather oddly placed second floor Jacuzzi. Yawn…as the fatigue creeps in slowly, speed up the process with a session at Nagoya Foot Reflexology Centre (#01-63 Orchard Plaza, 6238 1880), which is open till 3am.

SUNDAY
Be lazy and have a lie-in and a leisurely breakfast; after all, you only have to check out at 4pm. Suitably rested and energised, go into attack mode at Wisma Atria. Seek out Eclecticism (#01-07 WismaAtria, 6732 0938) for vintage dresses and costume jewellery and Beijaflor (#03-09/11,6235 2103) for some sexy South American togs.

Have lunch at PS Café (#03-41/44 Paragon,6735 6765). Tuck into a generous bowl of Caesar salad as you speed-read through – you guessed it – a fashion magazine before walking lunch off browsing for niche buys at WheelockPlace (501 Orchard Rd, 6733 1188). The Epi-Centre@Orchard (#02-20/22 Wheelock Place, 6238 9378) packs in all of the latest Apple releases, and the on-site Genius Bar sorts out all repair and general enquiries. Urban hipsters check out Wooonderland’s (#02-10 Wheelock Place, 67380002) denim offerings 55DSL and Dr Denim. At the other extreme, Elephant & Coral PenCo (#03-07 Wheelock Place, 6533 3457) showcases expensive stationery and hand crafted fountain pens, while Dollz Inc (#02-20 Wheelock Place,6733 7377) is where to go for limited-edition Transformers, Astro Boy and Blythe dolls.

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Itinerary No 2: Something for the weekend
Ah, the luxury of 48 whole hours with your significant other. An uninterrupted weekend together doesn’t come by often, so when it does, do it right, says Charlene Fang 

FRIDAY
Get together some supplies. Ladies, this means going shopping for something lacy, silky and altogether more skimpy. Take a trip to French lingerie boutique B.Ha by Daniel Hechter (#03-14/15 Pacific Plaza, 6235 5315), a 1,245ft² store with sizeable boudoir rooms to try on intimates in delicate lace, satin or embellished with mother-of-pearl buttons. Gentlemen, no need to tag along while blushing furiously. The store has a service where you can leave your personal contact details with the concierge, and store staff will take care of your other half till she leaves with something that should get your heart rate shooting up.

SATURDAY
Rise and shine, it’s off to the Spa Botanica for some indulgent TLC. Arrive an hour ahead so you have enough time to lounge in the sun. For some added fun, go to the mud pool area and get busy ‘slinging’ mud at each other – in the nicest possible way. For the mud-shy couple, walk the spiral-shaped labyrinth together. Either way, take care not to get too frisky or excited; you need to be in a semi-relaxed state for what’s coming next. The signature five-elements cleansing and purifying treatment ($580 per couple) starts with a rubdown with essential oils, then brings you back to an overall balanced state through the vibration of Chinese chimes. Two and a half hours later, you’ll (hopefully) emerge thoroughly cleansed and relaxed from head to toe. While waiting for your ride, grab a fresh organic juice from The Garden (2 Bukit Manis Rd, 6371 1130). If you’re peckish, the café has a salad and lunch menu worth perusing.

Time to check into The Fullerton Hotel, where the Tempting Delights package ($348 per night inclusive of a buffet breakfast, chocolate buffet and a late 3pm checkout) awaits. Since you’re probably still in your bathing suit – you did just come from the spa – get the concierge to bring your bags to your room while you head straight to the pool and catch the last dregs of sunshine. As you do laps across the 25-metre infinity pool, don’t forget to take in the panoramic view of the Singapore River and the distinctive Cavenagh Bridge, built in 1868. Now that you’ve caught the sunset, head upstairs and get changed for dinner. Instead of walking down to your dinner venue, take a river cruise (from $3 one-way, www.rivercruise.com.sg). It’s cheesy and oh so-touristy but hey, you are on holiday. Detour and take the trip down to Robertson Quay, before going back up the river to hop off the bumboat at the station opposite Boat Quay. From there, walk up to Indochine Waterfront and grab an alfresco table. By now, the petrol fumes should have revved up your appetite for some grub. Post-meal, resist the urge to order dessert, instead sit a while longer and drink in the pretty neon lights ‘dancing’ in reflection off the Singapore River. Take a slow stroll back to the hotel, making a pit stop at the hotel’s chocolate buffet, tucking into vanilla chocolate crème brûlée, Valrhona pralines and a warm cup of thick, creamy hot chocolate. And since the Aztecs considered chocolate an aphrodisiac, you both should be right in the mood for a little lovin’.

SUNDAY
Rise and shine…no use wasting the day even if you’re cocooned in the lap of five-star luxury. Get in an early swim before heading downstairs to Town Restaurant for a long, lazy brunch and a few Sunday glasses of bubbly. Tummies filled and feeling a little giggly, head back to the room for a post-breakfast…nap. (Don’t forget you have to get out by 3pm.) Once you’ve checked out, deposit your luggage at the counter and make tracks to GoldClass VivoCity (Level 2 & 3 VivoCity, 1 HarbourFront Walk), where, for $25, you can recline snugly in a cashmere blanket as you get lost in the latest trashy blockbuster. 

Film over, take a breather out on the boardwalk before crossing the street to Movida at St James Power Station, where you and your partner can twirl each other around to the sexy Latin beats, soaking up the last few moments of your precious weekend together. 

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Itinerary No 3: Roughing it
Singapore isn’t just manicured lawns and prefab parks – there’s some camping to be done if you follow Alexis Ong’s stay-cation suggestions. With additional reporting by Georgia Reeve

FRIDAY
City slickers braving the Great Outdoors… nowthere’s the makings of a great horror flick (cue flashbacks of The Blair Witch Project). But thisis going to be fun, urban legends be damned!

Swing by Adventure 21 (#02-03AChinatown Point, 133 New Bridge Rd; 65350232, www.adventure21.com.sg) for a two-person tent ($250 and up) and cotton sleeping bag liners (from $19.90). You’ll be slumbering in the wild and cotton is a comfy, breathable plus over icky nylon. If sleeping on the ground sounds iffy, pick up a Therm-a-Rest inflatable mattress (from 300g, $100) from Campers’Corner (#01-13 Capitol Building, 11 StamfordRd; 6337 4743, www.camperscorner.com.sg). It’s the best way to avoid feeling every pebble under your back. Alternatively, splurge at Outdoor Specialist (#01-01 Sharely Warehouse, 51Tannery Ln; 6844 2444, www.outdoorspecialist.com.sg) on Italian camping brand… er, Camp.

Next, protect your rear from our soggy environs. Adventure 21 stocks hammocks and foldable chairs from $9.90. As for clothing, think light and waterproof. Campers’ Corner sells Chaco sandals, which offer great traction and stability– cough up $187.25 for a blister-free weekend.

Meal-wise, there’s always old-fashioned stove cooking – Outdoor Specialist has an ultra-cheap disposable $5 stove for your baked beans. Campers’ Corner also carries energy Clif Bars for $5. Don’t forget marshmallow-roasting gear and trail mix. And water, people, water! Get yourself a sturdy Nalgene  from Takashimaya.

SATURDAY
Good morning! You’re off to Pulau Ubin, a tiny 1,020-hectare island 2km off the mainland and a ten-minute bumboat ride ($2 each way, $2 to BYO bicycle) from Changi Point Ferry Terminal. As you exit the main jetty, head right to the NParks Info Kiosk (6542 4108) for a map, then on to the Police Post (6542 8664) to register and get the latest safety briefing.

Before you choose between the three campsites– Noordin, Mamam and Jelutong – use the day to explore. Pulau Ubin has an impressive range of wildlife – including the Nipis kulit seashore tree and rare red jungle fowl (ie the original chicken) – and breathtaking rock quarries, so a guided tour isn’t a bad idea.

Rent a bike ($3 and up, but we recommend the $8-$10 range, and don’t forget a bike lock!) and ride around with Ubin Explorer (91591611, www.ubinexplorer.com), or sign up for a night tour. These cost $20 per person and are conducted in near-pitch blackness to encourage you to rely on other senses besides sight. Thereare also free bike tours with Pedal Ubin! (pedalubin@yahoo.com), whose guides hail from NUS’ Raffles Museum of Biodiversity Research.

Of course, you can always go the Scooby Doo route and roam around yourself. Check out the eastward Sensory Trail lined with fruit trees, spices and herbs. Heading north? Keep your eyes peeled for the 35-metre-tall Pulai tree visible fromthe jetty, supposedly a century old. And if you decide to go west, pass by Pekan Quarry – resist the urge to trespass and go cliff diving – and spot resting herons in the drowned trees.

Decide on a campsite before dusk, as you’ll need light to erect your tent and prepare dinner. Keep in mind that Jelutong is the only site that allows campfires. Settle in with a good ol’ round of ghost stories or card games like Bluff or Uno before retiring to your cosy tent.

SUNDAY
Rise and shine early on your last day (it’s hard not to when you’re sleeping outdoors); remember to leave your campsite clean. Head over to the Chek Jawa wetlands for a glimpse of what lies beneath the waves. Guided tours of the intertidal flats require advance booking via the Pulau Ubin hotline (6542 4108) or the NParks Info Kiosk. They’re wildly popular and are part of NParks’ strategy to limit human impact on this precious ecosystem.

Here’s the tricky bit: before travelling to Ubin, check Chek Jawa’s tide schedule on the NParks website to avoid disappointment. The flats are only visible during low tides of 0.5m and below; once exposed, the seabed boasts giant anemones, crabs and sea hares. Last July, a boardwalk was constructed to allow visitors a mud-free stroll through the mangroves. People: 1, nature: 0.

Before you head home, make a pit stop at Pak Ali’s stall by the main jetty for handmade lontong (local rice dish). Try to head there before noon as food fanatics have been known to decimate the lontong early. When you’re sated, sail home with a grimy pack and smug sense of adventure you can lord over your city-dwelling pals. Who knows, they might catch jungle fever too.

Camping checklist
♦ First-aid kit
♦Plastic sheeting for tent floor
♦Space blanket (emergencyblanket)
♦Travel pillow
♦Therm-a-Rest
♦Sleeping bag
♦Nalgene Camping stove
♦Lighter
♦Camp bowl/fork
♦Backpack
♦Fishing equipment
♦Binoculars
♦Small shovel
♦Toilet paper (very important)
♦Towel and washcloth
♦Baby wipes and personal care items
♦Insect repellent
♦Rubbish bags
♦Torches and batteries
♦Tarp with grommets –can be rigged for shade or to keep firewood dry 

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A tale of two ’hoods
Two TOS staffers from radically different areas, Jonathan Evans and Lester Ledesma, swapped homes for the day and discovered a whole new world on their doorstep

Jonathan, chief sub editor:
When I’m not working in Chinatown I kick back around Dunearn Road, an area populated by wealthier locals and Western expat families with young children. It’s all condominiums and impeccably maintained houses, some with small gardens. The rent takes up a huge slice of my earnings, but it’s worth it: at our condo we enjoy spacious flats, a communal swimming pool, scrupulous maintenance (including free car-cleaning) and a 24-hour security watch. Until this experiment, my experience with the heartlands totalled two nights out: in Braddell for the second-string Chingay Parade in February, and in Clementi for a free gig at the University Cultural Centre. It was a haze of HDBs, roads and cars.

So when I walked into Lester’s open-plan Hougang HDB, my first impressions were fairly straight forward: no security guard, no pool and absolutely no ang mohs. Instead, there’s a tiny Taoist temple where I’m greeted by two yapping puppies. The apartment blocks surround a small playground, a convenience store with a picture of a revered Buddhist monk and the Wei Long Yuan eating house. Indian, Malay and Chinese children play on the jungle gym, and for the first time since arriving in Singapore I’m getting curious looks. These youngsters have never met a Westerner before and assume I’m from Australia (I’m actually British). Then the interrogation begins: ‘Why your face white?’ ‘Why your eye blue?’ Some things are tough to explain…

Local haunts
The futuristically shaped consumer mecca Hougang Shopping Mall (90 Hougang Ave 10, 6487 4155; www.hougangmall.com.sg), with its 100-plus outlets and a late-hours library, means that unlike the denizens of Dunearn, Hougangers don’t need to head to Orchard Road for books, electronics and furniture.

Western-style eatery Bliss (Punggol Park, Hougang Ave 8; 6280 3389) rightly dominates the restaurant scene in Hougang and would be right at home in Bukit Timah. It borders a watery expanse that locals call a ‘fishing pond’, but I’d call a lake: at night this is like looking out on MacRitchie Reservoir. Despite modest prices, Bliss boasts the biggest exported beer and wine list I’ve seen in Singapore – including a cabernet sauvignon called, fittingly, ‘Heartland’.
Entertainment: It’s sports a go-go round here: the 3,400-capacity Hougang Stadium (100 Hougang Ave 2) is the home of S.League side Sengkang Punggol FC. Home team The Dolphins were runners-up in last year’s inaugural Singapore League Cup football competition.
Stretch your legs: Dunearners would die for the grassy knolls of kid-friendly Punggol Park (junction of Hougang Ave 8 and 10). This is a proper park with a playground, fitness corner and picnic area, not to mention the huge pond. Dog-walkers, courting couples and stir-crazy suburbanites need look no further.
Favourite weekend activity: Hougang Swimming Complex (95 Hougang Ave 4; 386 5010) offers as much water as you’ll ever need: two Olympic-sized pools for adults, a children’s pool and a refreshment area. It was still busy here at 8pm on a weekday night.
Local personality: Lester’s HDB is full of colourful personalities, young and old, but the most visible is the gyrating lady who accosts him in the elevator and performs a hip-swaying ‘dance’ routine while staring directly into his eyes and drooling a little.
Culture shock: There’s a very real multiculturalism among these HDBs: there are ‘cultural harmony nights’; old men gather around a television by the road; residents of all ages and ethnicities do karaoke downstairs. My rent is Lester’s almost quadrupled, but in the colonial throwback of condo-world there’s no tangible community. Our whitewashed houses are detached, and so are our lives.

My conclusion? I couldn’t be happier where I live, but airbrushed isolation comes at a price: my comforts cost a fortune and offer no collective reality. Hougangers have developed not just a palpably caring, trusting community, but an equality and multi-ethnic harmony the council back home could only dream of. No wonder they call them the ‘heartlands’.

Lester, photo editor:
Having lived in the same HDB block in Singapore for four years now, one might say I’m almost as local as any lifelong resident of my Hougang neighborhood. Here in the heartlands I live the everyday Singaporean’s life: I wake up to the sound of the karang guni man’s horn, and go off to work waving hello to the hawkers and provision store owners downstairs. My weekends, on the other hand, are spent biking around the area or playing basketball games at the community court. It’s a laid back place blessed with character and soul – this I see almost every day in the rituals of the little Taoist temple downstairs, or in the occasional puppet shows that set up shop at the playground right outside my window.

‘Swanky’ was the word on my mind when I got out of the cab and walked down tree-lined Shelford Road, home to my colleague Jon’s apartment complex. In contrast to the perpetual hum of activity back ‘north’, this neighbourhood was quieter than most Sundays at my HDB. In fact, the only people around on this weekday afternoon were maids walking dogs, some uniformed kids from a nearby private school and the occasional jogger. Jon’s place resembled a sleepy little resort.

Local haunts
Something about Jon’s neighbourhood makes me want to just sit down and watch the world go by, and the alfresco setting at Da Paolo Gastronomia (#01-01 Cluny Court, 501 Bukit Timah Rd; 64687010) is just the place to do this. It’s a nice, quiet spot with good pizza and even better espressos. It’s so quiet, in fact, that I zoned out while thinking: ‘Wah, so many white people!’

English pub The Old Brown Shoe (619F BukitTimah Rd; 6468 4626) serves up mostly Heineken to a British clientele – much different from my own Hougang kopitiam-cum-watering hole. The pub grub here (think crisp, tasty fish ’n’ chips and chewy Yorkshire pudding) is also a new treat.
Entertainment: If eating was my main hobby, I’d probably go giddily insane in this place. With entire streets like Greenwood Avenue dedicated to dining, and buildings such as Cluny Court boasting up-market, family-oriented restaurants, I wouldn’t be surprised if people spend entire weekends here just eating. As for me, I pass the time watching my colleague’s collection of Ali G DVDs and taking an occasional dip in the apartment complex’s private pool.
Stretch your legs: The quiet area around my colleague’s neighbourhood has tree-lined streets and very few cars – ideal for jogging.
Favourite weekend activity: If I lived here I’d probably use my Saturdays exploring the Bukit Timah Nature Reserve – a 410-acre tropical forest pa rk with numerous walking and mountain-biking trails and a scenic central lake. There’s nothing like trekking through the real jungle after a hectic weekin the urban jungle.
Local personality: I didn’t see any movie stars or famous people during my stay, but there’s an old Indian car washer who looks like Gandhi in the basement of Jon’s apartment complex…
Culture shock: So much of life in the heartlands happens in plain view – I’ve become so used to it that the swanky, sterile environment in Bukit Timah’s expat enclave was disorienting at first. Still, the privacy offered by a place like this, where everyone keeps to themselves and everything happens pretty much behind closed doors, could be just the thing for any urban warrior who just wants to kick back and zone out at the end of a long day.

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So near yet sofa…
Let’s face it: jet-setting is over-rated and overpriced. Why not lock the doors, draw the blinds and get away from it all on the sitting-room couch this weekend? Take some tips from Hsieh Nizhen, and stay indoors

Reinvent yourself
For once in your life, take a vacation from being you. Change gender, own an island, practise bigamy or incite a socialist revolution. Go to www.secondlife.com, an online virtual world that makes the impossible possible. But if you prefer something more tangible, dressing up is always a desirable option. It not only makes for great foreplay, it is also reason enough to call a few friends over for an outrageous costume party.
$60-$90 for three days’ hire. No. 1 Costume Costume, 32 Aliwal St (6333 9440). Mon-Fri 10.30am-8pm; Sat 10am-5pm. 

Get a movie on
And what better inspiration for a crazy get-up than a film marathon? Have your movies delivered: just go online, choose a few flicks and wait for the postman to arrive. Note: prior planning is necessary; it takes between 24 and 48 hours for delivery.
www.videoezy.com.sg; www.hollywoodclicks.com.sg

Everybody needs good neighbours
After your tenth film, you might end up with an overactive imagination and a desperate craving to interact with someone – anyone.
a) Go over to your neighbour’s place and borrow a cup of brown sugar, as Martin Lawrence did in Bad Boys.
b) Whip out your dusty binoculars and spy on them. Think Shia LaBeouf in Disturbia.

The call of nature
And when someone else’s dirty laundry fails to hold your attention, bring the wild outdoors indoors:
a) Build a bird feeder and see which feathered friends land on your balcony. Go to www.gardenbirdfeeder.com/howtobuildabirdfeeder.
b) Strive to identify the constellations in Singapore’s meagre night sky. Consult Google for a visual. 

Face value
What better time to slather green slime on your face than a weekend in? While fruit, vegetables and condiments may not seem all that exotic by themselves, toss them together in a blender and the resulting goop makes a great face mask. Or dinner. Consult www.makeyourowncosmetics.com, or if you planned ahead of time, grab a copy of The Ultimate Natural Beauty Guide (Universe Publishing,$42.10). Available at Books Kinokuniya.

Dinner at the door
Customise your own buffet. Forget the long queues, kitchen fumes, making reservations and rude waiters. Food-delivery services on the island run the gamut from fast food and hawker fare to the gastronomically gourmet. Do us a favour and order something other than a Big Mac. Boston Pizza Company (6219 9219, www.pizza.com.sg); Cuisine Express (63399883, www.cuisinexpress.com.sg); Express Food Delivery (67474368, www.expressfood.com.sg); Old Chang Kee (6555 0055, www.oldchangkee.com); Sarpinos Pizzeria (6836 6554, www.sarpinos.com.sg).

Here’s the rub
Finally, the best way to marinate in your gluttonous glory is to be kneaded and pummelled to sleep. The cheapest technique is to get a friend to do it: The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Massage ($38.47) contains a few handy tips. Warning: this should be done at least an hour after you have last eaten, or you’ll risk projectile…er, over-indulgence.
Available at Books Kinokuniya.

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Afternoon delight
While Singapore is not exactly Sin City, there are hotels that offer transit rates to cater to your basic food, shelter and (ahem) recreational needs. Eager to decipher if ‘transit rates’ mean ‘knocking shop’, Sabrina Lee checked into three love hotels with a forensic kit in hand and latex gloves securely on

Hotel 81-Geylang
Geylang – all about massage parlours, KTV lounges and streets lined with ‘pretty women’– is the place for curious travellers who tire of the ‘cleanliness’ of our city-state. Having heard stories about the Hotel 81 chain (notorious for its specific, er, clientele), we decided to check out its Geylang branch. We provided identification at the front desk and were given our room key allin under five minutes. There wasn’t much eye contact or even a hint of a smile; it was a swift transaction without the pleasantries.

As we made our way to room 207, we were pleasantly surprised by the smell of the hallway, which reminded us of a resort in Bangkok; the room, however, brought us straight back to Geylang with its less-than-appealing decor. To our dismay, there wasn’t a rotating bed or ceiling mirrors. Instead, the sparsely decorated room had a standard queen-size bed, bedside table, a dresser and a small TV. For refreshments, we could choose from the complimentary chicken flavoured instant noodles, a 350ml of bottled water and three-in-one coffee mix or Milo. Except for the disposable pillow covers and one strand of pubic hair we found on the bed, there was nothing to suggest any hot-and-steamy action happening here. The bed was firm, the air-con was set to a comfortable temperature and the TV boasted 14 channels, including ESPN and HBO.

On the way out, we kept our ears peeled for noises that go bump in the night, but to our disappointment, there was nothing except for the whirring of a vacuum cleaner. Mission accomplished, we bagged the evidence (with tweezers!) and checked out, next to an elderly man with his young ladyfriend clad in an itsy-bitsy-teeny weeny denim skirt and a mid-drift top, checking in. On our way out of the hotel we spotted an unmarked dispenser machine on the side. We popped in two $1 coins and to our surprise (okay, not really), a Black Label premium quality condom popped out.
Sleaze factor: With a strand of pubic hair, disposable pillow covers and a condom dispensing machine,we don’t recommend you book your folks or friends into these ‘knocking rooms’.
Rates: $20 for two hours and $10 per subsequent hour. 20 Lorong 16 Geylang (6841 8181, www.hotel81.com.sg). MRT: Aljunied.

Fragrance Hotel-Imperial
Located just eight minutes away from Hotel 81-Geylang and for only $10 more, the Fragrance Hotel-Imperial offered a series of pleasant surprises, including a 1.2m rooftop infinity pool with a shower area and outdoor chairs (not deckchairs). With the blistering sun shining down, a dip in the immaculately clean pool was all it took to cool us down. Back in the room, we were impressed by the newness of the room’s fixtures. The walls were painted a light shade of purple and grey, which complemented the floor’s grey stone tiles. The relatively small room was well-appointed with a wall-mounted flat-screen TV and a DVD player built into the bedside table– clever, since you wouldn’t have to exert unnecessary energy to put on a movie. The wardrobe is neatly built into the wall with space for a minifridge and five suits. Oh, and did we mention the hotel has wireless internet in all the rooms and a bistro in the hotel that caters for room service until 11pm? Perfect for those lightning-flash business trips. We even noticed a few businessmen with their port-a-bags checking in.
Sleaze factor: None. Even though the hotel is only a few minutes away from Geylang, the surroundings are less sexy, without a hint of boob in sight. Perfect for men on business trips with desperate housewives worrying back home.
Rates: $30 for two hours and $15 persubsequent hour. 28 Penhas Rd (6297 9888,www.fragrancehotel.com). MRT: Little India.

Strand Hotel
Our last stop was just a five minute walk from the Singapore Art Museum, the National Museum of Singapore and the Waterloo Street Arts Belt. Not as new as Fragrance-Imperial and not as novel as Hotel 81-Geylang, the Strand Hotel boasts a prime central location and spacious rooms (twice the size of Fragrance) with a window and a view to boot. The staff isn’t as friendly as that of Fragrance or dismissive as that of Hotel 81, but this was also the only hotel with bellboys. As we were checking in, a family of six shuffled through the doors from a day of sightseeing. We were verbally told our room number (for security reasons, your room number is not on the electronic key-card) and swiftly ushered into the lift. For those who dig the nicotine, all the rooms in this hotel are smoke-friendly. With a glass ashtray, a stack of Yellow Pages, a pair of bedroom slippers and a bath tub, this hotel is like the bastard child of the Fragrance and Hotel 81 chains. And like any offspring, there will be hereditary similarities. Off came the duvet and on came the UV lamp we brought. We found stains on the bedsheets, the nature of which we cannot speculate on at this time. We can only use our overactive imagination.
Sleaze factor: Unidentified bodily stains,smoking rooms and un-numbered keycards.There are two ways to look at this: one, they should consider investing in stronger detergent; or two, smoking is always good after sex and without a number on the key-card, you wouldn’t have to worry about your significant other knocking on the door while you’re knocking someone else.
Rates: $35 for two hours with a maximum offour hours at $50. 25 Bencoolen St (6338 1866, www.strandhotel.com.sg). MRT: Dhoby Ghaut.