No One Lives: movie review

Film

Horror

No One Lives

Time Out rating:

<strong>Rating: </strong><span class='lf-avgRating'>1</span>/5

User ratings:

<strong>Rating: </strong><span class='lf-avgRating'>1</span>/5
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Time Out says

Posted: Tue May 7 2013

So there’s this group of bad guys who think they’re really bad. They rob houses while the owners are away, and the team’s resident psycho (Derek Magyar) will gladly put a bullet in the cranium of anyone who interrupts their spree. But then these badasses cross paths with an even bigger badass—an unnamed psychopath (Luke Evans) who’s traveling cross-country with a kidnapped heiress (Adelaide Clemens) in his trunk. One carjacking and a piss-poor use of handcuffs later, this criminal crew has been marked for gruesome death via everything from crossbow to wood chipper.

More gruesome still is that Ryûhei Kitamura’s Z-grade revenge thriller is being given a token theatrical release on its way to the On Demand necropolis. The uniformly awful performances seem beamed in from Planet Ed Wood, while the script is filled with mock-macho zingers (“If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I’d rip you a new one!”) that would give former Governor Schwarzenegger pause. At least there’s some grindhouse inventiveness in the kill scenes (murder by clipboard!), and it’s a true blessing that this bargain-basement silliness clocks in at a brisk 80 minutes if you minus the credits. There’s a certain pleasure to be had in such unabashed cinematic ineptitude, of course, though it would be wise to wait until you have your Netflix streaming remote in one hand and a freshly filled bong in the other.

Follow Keith Uhlich on Twitter: @keithuhlich

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Cast and crew

Director:

Ryuhei Kitamura

Cast:

Luke Evans, Adelaide Clemens, Lee Tergesen

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Jim

Hmmm not sure what's worse...the movie or this weak excuse for a review...