No One Lives: movie review
Time Out rating:
Time Out says
Tue May 7
So there’s this group of bad guys who think they’re really bad. They rob houses while the owners are away, and the team’s resident psycho (Derek Magyar) will gladly put a bullet in the cranium of anyone who interrupts their spree. But then these badasses cross paths with an even bigger badass—an unnamed psychopath (Luke Evans) who’s traveling cross-country with a kidnapped heiress (Adelaide Clemens) in his trunk. One carjacking and a piss-poor use of handcuffs later, this criminal crew has been marked for gruesome death via everything from crossbow to wood chipper.
More gruesome still is that Ryûhei Kitamura’s Z-grade revenge thriller is being given a token theatrical release on its way to the On Demand necropolis. The uniformly awful performances seem beamed in from Planet Ed Wood, while the script is filled with mock-macho zingers (“If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I’d rip you a new one!”) that would give former Governor Schwarzenegger pause. At least there’s some grindhouse inventiveness in the kill scenes (murder by clipboard!), and it’s a true blessing that this bargain-basement silliness clocks in at a brisk 80 minutes if you minus the credits. There’s a certain pleasure to be had in such unabashed cinematic ineptitude, of course, though it would be wise to wait until you have your Netflix streaming remote in one hand and a freshly filled bong in the other.
Follow Keith Uhlich on Twitter: @keithuhlich
Author: Keith Uhlich
Cast and crew
Luke Evans, Adelaide Clemens, Lee Tergesen