Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band at Wrigley Field, KISS + Mötley Crüe at First Midwest Bank Amphitheatre and Alpine Valley Music Theatre | Concert preview

The Boss and the KISS/Mötley Crüe tour both hit Chicagoland this weekend. Which will you choose?

  • Photograph: Danny Clinch

    Bruce Springsteen

  • Photograph: Paul Brown

    Motley Crue

Photograph: Danny Clinch

Bruce Springsteen


Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band bring their legendary show to Wrigley Field this weekend, during the same time that two of rock’s most theatrical bands, KISS and Mötley Crüe, sweep Chicagoland. To help torn ticket buyers navigate this rock & roll dilemma, we’ve assembled this helpful chart:

Bruce

If you’re Rahm Emanuel
Springsteen would likely have sided with the Chicago Teachers Union over the Mayor, considering his long-standing support of the working man (and the unemployed), seen in his activism and songs like “My Hometown” and The Grapes of Wrath–themed “The Ghost of Tom Joad.”

If you’re a Cubs fan
The E Street Band’s multihour show features more hits than Steve Clevenger and Ian Stewart combined this season, and 2012 Cubbies fans have certainly experienced emotions similar to those evoked by Springsteen’s Nebraska.

If you’re three years old
Sesame Street
had a Muppet named Bruce Stringbean who sang “Born to Add,” which would mean something to a three-year-old…in 1979.

If you’re 93 years old
If you happen to be Pete Seeger, Springsteen will probably record with you.

If you crave spectacular entertainment
Though his stage show lacks the pyrotechnics, costumes and circus tricks of KISS, Springsteen has earned his reputation as the greatest live entertainer of his era by putting on tireless, thrilling, crowd-pleasing shows where for hour upon hour the Boss becomes the human equivalent of a hard-on.

If you’re a couch potato
I think that guy over there was on The Sopranos, and do you remember when that drummer was on Late Night with Conan O’Brien?

KISS/Crüe

If you’re Rahm Emanuel
KISS not only replaced guitarist Ace Frehley and drummer Peter Criss with scabs wearing their old costumes and makeup, but Frehley and Criss are likely available to teach at local charter schools.

If you’re a Cubs fan
If Nikki Sixx could spring back to life following a 1987 heroin overdose, perhaps the Cubs can make the playoffs in 2013?

If you’re three years old
Clown makeup and fire breathing!

If you’re 93 years old
If you happen to be female, Gene Simmons will probably sleep with you.

If you crave spectacular entertainment
Tommy Lee has performed drum solos where his kit turns upside down, spins around and/or thunders down roller coaster tracks. And he usually plays his entire set with an actual hard-on.

If you’re a couch potato
Gene Simmons, Vince Neil and Tommy Lee have combined for at least 43 reality show appearances, including featured spots on Skating with the Stars, The Apprentice, and a 2008 program called Battleground Earth: Ludacris vs. Tommy Lee, in which the rapper and rock star challenged each other to a series of contests while teaching kids how to be more environmentally conscious.

Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band play Wrigley Field Friday 7 and Saturday 8. KISS and Mötley Crüe play First Midwest Bank Amphitheatre Friday 7 and Alpine Valley Music Theatre Saturday 8.