Heard on the street, April 25, 2012, edition

In the morning, my mind-set is: Do I wear socks today, or do I sleep another minute?

If my wife came home in a dress, beige tights and New Balance, I would seriously consider divorce.

When he was fat, it hid the punk in him. Now that he’s skinny, it’s all coming out.

“Where do you want to go for lunch? A sit-down place or Potbelly?” “Definitely Potbelly. It’s cheap and easy, like me since college.”

I’m going to punch Virgin Mobile in the virgina.

“They’re looking around like it’s Disneyland.” “And they’re dressed like whores.”

I’m so old that I now get winded blowing out candles.

And this is why it pays to pick stuff up off the floor of Salvation Army!

It’s just the face God gave me.