Heard on the street, March 22, 2012, edition

That would be like living in Chicago if Wisconsin were ruled by an insane dictator. Oh, wait, it is.

Listen, pajama pants: You put on some real pants, then we’ll talk.

Whatever! If your friend was cheating on his girlfriend, you’d be there for him.

You can always tell how crazy she is simply by the thickness of her eyebrows. The thinner, the crazier.

Better leave some room, Starbucks, ’cause I’m gonna cream.

Did we date? Oh, right, you work here.

Let’s face it: If you were gay, you’d find me charming.

It’s cute that you think I don’t know where all the Taco Bells are.

Oh, honey, you make me want to smash my head into a wall.

My quality of life would improve if I didn’t look down.