Pride Parade makeover

19 ways to make the Boystown event even better.

6. Move to a new neighborhood each year. Chicago’s Dyke March has been on the go since 2008, when it left its longtime home of Andersonville to further its mission of bringing queer visibility to non-LGBT neighborhoods. Since then, it has made waves in Pilsen, South Shore and, on Saturday 23, Uptown. Is it pure fantasy to think we could get a half a million Pridegoers to line the streets of Canaryville or Budlong Woods? Yes. But what a sight it would be.—Jason A. Heidemann

7. Rid the Parade of dead-weight floats. Waiting through countless corporate and political floats till we get to the ones that are actually LGBT can make us wonder: Whose parade is this? The above chart shows how we’d like to see the breakdown of float categories.—Novid Parsi

8. Split up the party people from the more refined revelers. Picture a Kentucky Derby setup: Ticketed grandstands in parking lots along the parade route (Jewel, 7-Eleven) will be reserved for the less party-focused ladies and gents. For better crowd control in the “infield” (a.k.a. the sidewalks along the route), access will be doled out gratis with a first-come, first-served wristband system, capping guests at 500,000 (last year’s Parade drew an estimated 800,000). Bonus: This infield is way less muddy than its counterpart in Louisville.—Marissa Conrad

9. Consolidate the bigots. In the spirit of those big brother programs, we propose relocating all stone-faced, Bible-thumping homo haters to a location more suited to their politics. Now that the parade handily winds its way past the North Broadway Salvation Army (whose anti-gay policies have irked LGBT activists), we see a (straight) marriage made in heaven.—Jason A. Heidemann

10. Toss out better swag. First off, no thanks to flyers from politicians. Maybe the aldermen and officials who participate could join forces with the folks who pass out condoms and toss out rubbers featuring politicians’ names. (Talk about a sex scandal!) We could also use some sunscreen packets and mini water bottles.—Kevin Aeh