Pride Parade makeover

19 ways to make the Boystown event even better.

11. Turn Wrigleyville into home turf.They’re loud, wear garish clothing and sometimes behave like drunken douchebags. Yes, we’re referring to the denizens of Wrigleyville, but are we not also describing ourselves (ever been to Roscoe’s on a Saturday)? We think it’s time we got civilly unionized with our Cubbie-obsessed counterparts. Instead of terminating the Parade in Lincoln Park, where barely anyone watches anyway, let’s take a right turn up Clark Street and not only give Cubs fans something glittery to remember, but also pass out free condoms those horny youngsters desperately need. Floats and spectators can end at Wrigley Field to watch a star-studded post-Pride concert.—Jason A. Heidemann

12. Create an official Pride T-shirt. We know, clothing and Pride don’t always go hand-in-hand. But an official Pride T-shirt or tank (show more skin!) would be fun to wear to the bars later in the day, as well as help in our personal mission to get people to wear something other than a Shamrock Shuffle tee to the gym.—Kevin Aeh

13. Corporations sponsor an LGBT group that can’t afford a float. Corporate floats have metastasized in the last decade, turning a community celebration into a profit-motivated marathon. News flash: It’s no longer a big deal that your big business is willing to toss us a parade wave. So heads up, Starbucks, Orbitz, Chipotle and Jewel: How ’bout you retire your ostentatious displays (see: giant burrito, enormous food cart) and instead sponsor a small community group that can’t afford a float—or, in some cases, even the parade-entry fee, which starts at $350. LGBT groups like i2i (promoting Asian and Pacific Islander visibility), Queer Dharma (for Buddhists) or Chicago IRL (a grassroots queer arts collective) might even be cool with you putting your name on their banner. In small, second-billing print, natch.—Web Behrens

14. Make every fifth float a drunquarium. Drun·quar·i·um: n. 1. a glass tank on wheels, resembling a large aquarium, housing a tangle of people deemed too absurdly drunk to be on the streets. 2. our new favorite spectacle at Pride.—Marissa Conrad

15. Add creative street crossings for paradegoers. It sucks getting stuck on one side of the parade with all of your besties on the other. To alleviate that, the new route has six pedestrian crossing points, monitored by guards. But we’ll do you one better: How about temporary bridges over Halsted and Broadway? No? Fine, we’ll go with our original plan of zip lines.—Jason A. Heidemann