Could Becks play Bond? We’re not convinced he could pull off the one-liners. But we can totally imagine him perched behind some kind of ominous black-steel desk (perhaps overlooking Wembley Stadium), stroking a small furry animal and telling 007 that he expects him to die. Beware the soft touch of… Goldenballs.
He’s got the accent, the agility and most importantly the tats: slap a spot of guyliner on him and Becks would make a fine addition to Captain Jack Sparrow’s crew of metrosexual vagabonds. He’d look a sight shinning up the rigging, and his ball-bending skills would come in handy in a seagoing cannon battle.
There are three things a Jedi must have: immaculate focus, a neatly trimmed beard and a lightsaber. With Becks, two out of three ain’t bad. Our only problem would be listening to him reeling off the Jedi’s traditional mystic spiel – ‘do, or like, don’t, but don’t try, right?’ Maybe the producers could pull a Darth Vader and have his voice dubbed in.
Becks plays on his paternal image as one of three hapless men-about-town (we’re also seeing Jonah Hill and Chris Tucker) who get into all kinds of wacky scrapes when called upon to raise a small child. The hilarity hits a peak when Becks inadvertently snogs cameo-ing grandpa Tom Selleck, and they wind up Velcro-locked at the lip.
In Hollywood, you’re not a real actor until you’ve ‘uglied up’ on screen. The problem with this modern-day reworking of the classic, heartbreaking story of exploitation and despair is that, even buried under three feet of grotesque latex, Becks still manages to still be the best-looking guy in the film.
There’s never been a footballing superhero. Okay, there’s a reason for that – it’d be completely stupid. But is it any sillier than a dude who can shrink to the size of an ant, or a Norse God who saves the world in a pointy helmet? If anyone can make new comic-book legend The Striker work – and that’s copyrighted by the way, so back off – it’d be Marvel Studios. He even has a cool kiss-off catchphrase: ‘Get bent!’
This one’s back-of-the-net: his wife’s a fashion legend, he’s an ace face, Becks will slot right into Derek Zoolander’s world of self-absorption and physical beauty. But to avoid typecasting, he’ll play a preening male model who is also – twist! – an astrophysicist with Hawking-level smarts.
Becks continues his heartfelt commitment to advertising anything and everything by starring in this long-awaited sequel to the infamous McDonald’s-funded ET clone about a cute alien who lives on tasty burgers. In a performance of Eddie Redmayne-like commitment, Becks will play the wheelchair-bound kid from the original movie, all growed up but still not great at going downhill.
Is it a sequel to the beloved British indie? A gritty reality doc? Or a two-hour commercial for Brand Beckham? This Malkovich-esque post-modern epic unites the original stars of ‘Bend it Like Beckham’, Keira Knightley and Parminder Nagra, with their real-life hero for a head-spinning, ball-swerving meta-drama. The climactic penalty shootout on a nightmarish, Escher-like infinite football pitch will make your eyes pop.