Dina Martina's family gift guide

Posted: Mon Oct 29 2012

One-woman US drag explosion Dina Martina is famous for her generosity towards audiences. She gives us her tips for family presents

Charming, grotesque, sweet and silly, Dina Martina is drag act as endearing meltdown. Mangle-mouthed, disarmingly perceptive and flat-out hilarious, the US star's shows include plenty of gags, video parodies and songs - and she often showers her audience with 'jifts' (that's 'gifts' to you and me). So we asked Dina for her tips on buying presents for the family.

'Attention everyone!' she says. 'I've created this handy guide mapping out exactly what to give those occasionally beloved peeps to whom you're genetically anchored! You owe me…'

For Mom:
'All moms love to smell pretty, so I recommend one - or both - of my signature fragrances: Dina Martina What Diamonds?, which boasts the subtle aroma of an empty bank vault; or Dina Martina Evening in Roquefort, a heady scent with notes of lavender and havarti. Lavish Mom with these and she'll be leaving a trail of pleasured noses in her wake.'

For Dad:

'Even though my father died in childbirth and I never knew him, I still have some fun gift ideas for Dad. Venison always brings a grin to the lip - and really, how could it not? It's the gamey “Cadillac of meats”. Another perineum favourite is magic tricks. What patriarch doesn't enjoy performing a nice sleight-ofhand-job for the family, après-dinner? For the divorced dad, mail order brides can be a fun gift. Sometimes.'

For kids:
'Children are so precious (if my daughter ever got lost in an airport, I would be sad) and most are emotionally raw, so it's important to choose gifts that foster confidence and a sense of well-being.
For girls: foot-binding, chemical peels and beautiful, calligraphy-on-parchment details of their impending arranged marriage will always elicit little tears, which I'm pretty sure will be of joy. If my mother had given me any of these things, I doubt I'd have been such a loose, chubby cannon. For boys: real guns or anything with high-fructose corn syrup.'

For grandparents:

'I've been out of grandparents for a while, so sometimes I go to retirement homes and try to rub old people's feet - they're not always receptive but I find that if you catch them when they're playing solitaire or just nodding off, you can get a pretty firm hold which makes it harder for them to wrestle their feet away and deny you the pleasure of giving. Taking them to a play is nice, because you can spend time with Gran without the burden of actual interaction. Other ideas: cemetery gift certificates or my new CD, 'Dina Martina - I Miss You, Elasticity' would be nice.

'And one final tip. If you can't afford any of these options, remember: scabies is free.'