Robin Ince's tips for the end of the world
The erudite comic suggests how to spend your last days on earth
Some people really are expecting ‘the end of the world’ next Friday. Comedian and boffin Robin Ince offers them some suggestions on how to go out with a bang.
According to some interpretations of a Mayan prophecy, the end of the world is nigh on December 21 2012. Now before you go screaming into the street to try and have sex with the first person you meet, do bear in mind that this might be unreliable information: the Mayan prediction is predominantly spread by authors who write books about the lost world of Atlantis, and how the existence of donkeys in Peterborough is evidence the city used to be by the sea. (Okay, I may have made that last bit up, but as they don’t bother using real evidence, why should I?) Still, let’s leave our options open. Just in case they’re right, here are seven* things you could do to avoid and/or enjoy the soon-to-be apocalypse…
*The number seven is seen by many civilizations as being lucky, particularly those, like the Mayans, that crumbled into a mess of despotic rule and death by plague, locust and clumsy juggling.
1. Persuade a gullible religious maniac that a human sacrifice will save the world. You’ll need a sacrificial dagger – a reasonably ornate fish knife will do. Cover yourself with an alibi: get him to write a letter beforehand in which he mentions how clumsily he eats trout.
2. Create an underground world where you are ruler, declaring people must never go to the surface again if they are to survive. Demand they fashion a statue of you from rock. Your followers might get bored and splinter off, but at least you’ll have a giant effigy of yourself.
3. Start reading ‘War and Peace’ – at least you’ll have an excuse for not finishing it.
4. Call the Hollywood cryogenic centre and tell them to start defrosting Walt Disney. It’s too late to cure him now.
5. Build an ark, get two of every animal… then see what they all taste like.
6. Apocalypses tend to inspire faith-based systems to offer fantastic deals if you join. Last apocalypse, I got a Turin shroud, a Woody Allen box set and a Toby jug in the shape of the Archbishop of Canterbury. I was also absolved of all my sins in at least seven faiths.
7. If you are meteorologist Michael Fish, why not giddily and luridly dance around Professor Brian Cox’s garden giggling and screaming: ‘So what if I got the strength of a wind a bit wrong? You got the date wrong for the end of the world!’
And if you don’t like any of that, then start writing a book predicting the next apocalypse. Mine’s called ‘The Bible Code Code’.