Beyoncé v The Queen: who's the queen of queens?

Look out, Liz: there’s a pretender to your throne in town. As Beyoncé hits the O2, we debate which of these two regal ladies truly runs the world

The cribs

Team Bey ‘Forget damp castles. Bey’s numerous palatial cribs are pure swag-a-docious. Even the 31,000-square-foot home in the Hamptons she rented last summer has a two-lane bowling alley, recording studio, a spa and virtual golf.’

Team Liz ‘“Virtual golf”? Oh dear. Windsor Castle has the real thing. Balmoral has a working distillery while Buckingham Palace has enough Old Masters to make the National Gallery blush. Best of all, you don’t have to be a prince (or even Prince) to drop by – it opens its doors to 50,000 visitors a year.’

Make ours a gin and Rembrandt: Liz wins!

© Jamie Reid. Photograph by Victoria and Albert Museum

The image

Team Bey ‘True, the Queen has a pretty iconic move in the form of her signature wave. Do you know who else waves, though? Beyoncé, in the “Single Ladies” video. Loads. Plus she’s in a leotard. And we haven’t even begun on her arse.’

Team Liz ‘Well if Beyoncé’s so confident, why did she get her publicist to try and take down unflattering pictures of her grunting during the Super Bowl show? Yeah, that worked. By contrast, Her Maj is totally chill with having her face messed with. You can draw a bogey on a banknote or put a safety pin through her nose (the Sex Pistols did). Queenie don’t object.’

An irresistible combo: Liz wins!

The threads

Team Bey ‘I know the Queen put “crown chic” on the map, but can she even wear her jewels around the house without signing a form? When I close my eyes and think of Liz, I see a purple wicker hat. Contrast that with Bey’s tour style highlight – a gold sequin-encrusted bodysuit adorned with trompe l’oeil boobs with protruding nipples.’

Team Liz ‘Call me materialistic, but give me a crown over a made-up “Halo” any day.’

She’s come out blinging: Bey wins!

The men in their lives

Team Bey ‘Bey’s boo is Jay-Z, one of the greatest rappers of the twenty-first century, a musician who’s had more Number One albums than Elvis. The Duke of Edinburgh is best known for assertions such as: “The Philippines must be half empty – you’re all here running the NHS!” He probably gives a nice cuddle, but jovial racism ain’t my bag.’

Team Liz ‘Beyoncé’s dedication to her man is touching, but did she really have to call her tour the Mrs Carter Show? Just because Jay-Z put a ring on it, doesn’t mean she has to take her husband’s name and fly in the face of all her feminist credentials. Want an example of an independent woman who didn’t? The Queen. Run the world, girl!’

It’s the Ms Windsor show: Liz wins!

The claim to the title

Team Bey ‘Initially crowned by her fanbase – aka the BeyHive – Beyoncé has reigned over the pop kingdom for a decade. She recently dressed up as a monarch in an advert for her tour and is about to take on a role as an animated queen in “Epic”.’

Team Liz ‘So, she’s a singer who dresses in fancy dress for adverts: sounds like the Go Compare bloke. Elizabeth II may be a legacy of a bygone age, but why shouldn’t a woman inherit sovereign power because her uncle abdicated and her dad smoked himself to death, hmm?’

Merit trumps inherit: Bey wins!

And the winner is: The Queen

Long to reign over us: Liz is 87 and still knows how to work it. Gawd bless ’er!

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