Joke of the year
Tue Dec 16 2008
Which of 2008's Joke of the Week comics deserves the honor? We've nominated our favorite nine. Read their jokes and click here to vote!
When I quit smoking, this guy suggested I hit the gym every day. You can’t tell me the best way to do something hard is to do something else that’s hard. “You wanna know the best way to quit heroin? Get into Harvard.”
I got a fortune cookie the other day; it said I should invest in something fun on four wheels. I don’t know if that meant I should get a new car or a prostitute on one roller skate.
In a show on plastic surgery, the doctor said he was the Picasso of breast augmentation. Is he familiar with the works of Picasso? “I’ll make your left breast jagged, while your right will be four times as large and melting into the shape of a cello.”
I hate the word breast. But people look at me funny in restaurants when I order grilled chicken titties.
The other day I caught a butterfly. It had a tattoo on its lower back. It was a picture of a teenage girl.
In the Old Testament, God was angry and jealous, all fire and brimstone. In the New Testament, God is happy and forgiving. Man, what a difference getting laid makes.
Judaism is like The Fast and the Furious, while Christianity is more like 2 Fast 2 Furious. They’re basically the same thing, except in the sequel the hero is Ludacris. Don’t get me wrong, I think Ludacris is very talented. I just don’t think he’s the son of God.
I was dating a woman, and we had the sex talk. She goes, “Todd, I’ve had anal sex before, but don’t ask me who it was with.” I think if I made a list of every question I’d ask before that one, it would be a list of every question.
“I’m glad I’ve got girls. Boys, I feel weird about. I have nephews and they play in the sprinkler naked. Their little penises bother me. I have this irrational fear they’re gonna come over and fuck my nose with their little dicks.”