Pickups gone bad

Comics tell us about the times they crashed and burned.

  • Kurt Metzger

  • Julian McCullough

  • Jim Jefferies

  • Photograph: Noah Kalina

  • Michael Ian Black

Kurt Metzger

Kurt Metzger
One time, I picked up the daughter of a dead author. My dad had just died too, so I figured, "Hey! Your dad's dead, my dad's dead: Let's have sex." I was constantly doing coke at the time, so the two of us hung out at a bar drinking and doing bumps.

Then we went back to her place. Just as I was about to make a move, she said something almost profound about me not dealing with my father's death and I started bawling. To make me feel better, she did a striptease while I sobbed. Then she took me to her room, where I tried in vain to penetrate her with my flaccid, coked-up penis and passed out. I woke up in the middle of the night screaming no less than three times (I used to get night terrors), and in the morning I projectile-vomited around her bathroom, but we still had plans to hang out again that night.

First, though, I had to do a show at UCBT. One of the performers was Tim Minchin, who has long hair, wears mascara and ended his act with a striptease on top of his piano. I couldn't stop laughing because he looked just like this girl. As a joke I texted the girl, "A guy who looks like you is doing a striptease in this show, and now I finally have an erection. Is that weird?" She texted back, "YES!!!!!!!!!" and I responded, "Well, is it weird that I took it out onstage as a closer?" Her last message was, "You are too weird, even for me." By the way, this girl is a cutter.

Kurt Metzger hosts The Rat Pack Fri 1.

Julian McCullough
In college, I became obsessed with the Smiths. I was at a party and I saw this super hot hipster girl, before I even knew what that was. My opening line was "What's your fave Smiths song?" She goes "Sorry, I can't date another gay guy."

Julian McCullough performs at Night of Too Many Stars Sat 2.

Jim Jefferies
I met a girl at a bar and got her phone number, and she said, "I'm looking forward to your call." But when I rang, she said, "No, I've just watched your YouTube clips and I'll be fine, thank you very much."

Jim Jefferies plays Carolines on Broadway Thu 30--Sun 3.

Ben Rogers
Once, on the subway, I hit on this attractive woman. She rolled her eyes. So I practically yelled,"You're beautiful!" Someone near me said, "He reeks of gin." My sober roommate issued a general apology to the train, and when the doors opened, the woman handed my roommate a card. It had the name of an S&M place and MISTRESS DIANCE written on the back. "Tell your friend I'll beat his ass for $100 an hour," she said and walked out.

Ben Rogers performs at Reuben Williams Attacks! Sat 2

Michael Ian Black
It's not the rejections from my wife I can't take; it's the times she says yes. She usually does it with a sigh, the way I might react if she asked me to change the air filter in the attic. At that point, I'm usually like, "Don't worry about it." Then she gets mad. "No. You said you wanted to have sex. Let's have sex." And then I start crying. That's Wednesdays in our house.

Michael Ian Black performs at PunchlineMagazine.com's Fifth Anniversary Show Tues 5.

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