Today: Thursday, June 7

If you had wanted to play Strawberry Shortcake instead of freaking me out with your E.T. impression, might I have stayed? It's really difficult to say at this point.

Greetings, my little tamales. As you've probably now heard, especially if you sit near Howard or your own personal workplace Howard, Paris Hilton is out of jail. The whole thing reminds me of when, as a kid, I thought I would be brave enough to spend the night at a friend's house for the first time so I packed my little overnight bag but then as it got darker and I grew sleepier I realized that there was no way in hell I was going to last a whole night in someone else's house and I missed my mom. Come to think of it, I'm surprised I wasn't a bed wetter. What was I saying? I forget. Anyway, you need some plans tonight, and that's what I'm here for. I know! Why don't you go to FatSmiles, a new monthly comedy showcase! David Cross will be dropping by, and you told me you think he's funny.