Your 1 Thing for today: Monday, Dec 18


I see the way you're looking at me with that lascivious glint in your eye. Seasonal affective disorder got you hot in the pantaloons? That's strange and you should look into that. But first, go to Galapagos in Williamsburg tonight for the Nice-n-Naughty Spectacuthon, a big, steaming-hot pile of saucy holiday burlesque hosted by Miss Astrid and featuring Dr. Lucky, Little Brooklyn, Trixie Little and the Evil Hate Monkey, Bob Seger, Bob Saget, and five of the seven dwarves. Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that it's weird that the seven dwarves never appear together anymore and is it all an elaborate hoax, because who's really that short and what's with all the whistling?

Look, I don't have the answers you're seeking, the answers you need, but I can validate your feelings. Yes, it's weird. Also, since we're doing this— you know, communicating in this way and really connecting—I should tell you that five sevenths of the dwarves aren't really going to be there, nor is Bob Seger or Bob Saget, and I'm really sorry I lied, I just think you're really special and I didn't know how else to get to you. But I know that I've probably messed everything up and now you don't want to see me anymore—heck I wouldn't if I were you, so I'll probably just mope around here for a few days and then dust myself off and go to my mom's and mope around for about 15 business days, at which point I'll enter a convent. Don't feel bad about me. It wasn't your fault. It was just bad timing.