Your 1 Thing for today: Tuesday, Dec 5

Chinese jump rope

First grade was a heady year. In between learning songs about dinosaurs and nearly cracking my head open from a Chinese-jump-rope mishap where I overshot the rope on "widesies" (anyone know what I'm talking about? anyone feeling me on Chinese jump rope? hello? ), I stapled my thumb while making a diorama. It severely cut into the laughter I had been experiencing over how similar the word diorama is to diarrhea. It's awfully similar, you know.

What I guess I'm trying to say is that as a kid I was dumb, accident-prone and scatological.

Sound familiar, poo brains?

Of course it does, which is why you should hustle your sweet buns to Freddy's in Prospect Heights for the Diorama Lodge at 9pm tonight. Teams are given two hours to make their own dioramas. Plus, there's booze, which won't keep you from hurting yourself but will help ease the pain, at least until morning when you wake up with a construction-paper fish taped to a piece string stapled to your thumb, and some crafty bastard in your bed. And about that, listen, sister: Don't spring for the first man with a lanyard round his neck. Hold out for someone who fires his own pots in a kiln.