A gentleman's guide to relationships

Congrats, you have a girlfriend! Here's how to recover from the faux pas you'll inevitably make.

Photograph: Beth Levendis

1 I got drunk and wet the bed—with my girlfriend in it. How do I make it up to her?*
It’s virtually impossible to escape the bed-wetting scenario unscathed. Whether you subtly evacuated the contents of your bladder onto your girlfriend’s backside while spooning, or stood over the bed and hosed it down like a drunken Trevi Fountain, your urine-soaked lady friend is going to be positively appalled at your subhuman behavior. Time for you to act quickly: As soon as you’ve arisen, call Belle Fleur (134 Fifth Ave between 18th and 19th Sts; 212-254-8703, bellefleurny.com) and have a bouquet of yellow tulips sent to your gal’s office. She’ll soon be laughing at the contents of your card, which should read if you need help watering these, you know who to call. Next, look into procuring a catheter.

2 I’m recently unemployed and my girlfriend assigns me chores, expecting me to act like some 1950s housewife. How do I retain my dignity without coming off like a chauvinistic asshole?
Handle this problem the same way gentlemen handle all problems: drinking. Start your chores by clearing out the liquor cabinet. You’ll be swilling the stuff straight from the bottle and drunkenly singing as you scrub away like Donna Reed in no time. Of course, your girlfriend will be none too pleased to discover you in such a sodden state when she returns, and that’s when you tell her that the only way you can handle her emasculating list of chores is by hitting the bottle. Your lady will soon relent, because dealing with a messy apartment is far easier than dealing with a drunk boyfriend who constantly begs her to order Atomic Wings (various locations throughout the city, atomicwings.com).
Ed. note:
You, Sir Letter Writer and Misters Monocle, sound like chauvinistic jerks—assuming that you and your girl are shacking up. (If not, then blessed be the big-balled woman who’s making her b-friend do her cleaning.) If you share the rent, try sharing the chores—and the booze!

3 I forgot to clear my Internet history after a marathon porn session. Later that evening, my fiance logged on to Facebook, but when she typed in the letter f the first site to come up was Fleshtube. What’s a guy to do?
Every vice comes with a price. Corner Bistro (331 W 4th St at Jane St, 212-242-9502) is absurdly delicious, but it soon turns a gentleman’s once-chiseled frame into a flabby mess. Pornography is just as delectable, but luckily, it’s a habit you can use to your advantage. Once you’ve been caught, rather than repent, play it up as a selfless act. Explain that you merely exposed yourself to such stomach-churning filth in order to research new methods to please her. Pretty soon you two will be hanging from a sex swing and performing eyebrow-raising moves to rival those of Cirque du Soleil performers.

4 Now that I have a girlfriend, chicks seem to be suddenly drawn to me, checking me out as I stroll around with her on my arm, and hitting on me when I go out with her. Should I become single again?
A common pitfall! Just because one woman is willing to bed a man doesn’t mean that all women will follow suit. It’s a perfectly logical, mathematically sound progression of thought—one we’re sure Bernie Madoff and his bookkeepers would sign off on. But Ponzi schemes should never be seriously considered. In reality, these women are utterly perplexed as to why your gal is dating you. Rather than lust for you, they say a prayer for your lady and move on. Our advice, therefore, is to hold on to what you’ve got. A bird in hand is better than two in the bush, or in your case, if you act on your impulse, no bush on the horizon.

*For obvious reasons, these guys have requested to remain anonymous.

Need the Monocle’s help? E-mail your questions to dating@timeoutny.com and they’ll tell you how to salvage your love life.

Read more debaucherous stories at thefoggymonocle.com.

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