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Jamie Bufalino considers the spectrum of controlling men, from creepy to cool.

Holy crap! Here I am thinking that—aside from my recent screwup with the NYC fetish scene—I’ve been doing a pretty good job dishing out advice in 2010. And then I received the following e-mail about that woman who’s living with her extremely controlling ex [TONY 765]. I told that woman to “move on, and move on quickly”—check this out, so that we both can get the shivers at once:


I, like you, read the letter from the 29-year-old in a relationship with the 35-year-old control freak with dismay. Having worked in the field of domestic violence, this letter resonated a little too much for me. Yes, the ideal long-term solution would be a clean break from the guy and moving out of that apartment. However, it should be pointed out that this could be an abusive man who might retaliate in the extreme. Several behaviors that she mentioned (the controlling behavior, the immediately moving in together, the guilt-tripping over her seeking out friends and other men, and the verbal outbursts/attacks themselves) are all good indicators of what this guy may be. Domestic violence is not simply a physical behavior, and if his controlling and/or “psychotic” behavior intensifies when she attempts the clean break, your reader may want to consider getting assistance from domestic-violence service providers or even the police. I don’t want to put words in this reader’s mouth, but if it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck, then...whatever that actual phrase is.


Don’t worry, you don’t have to get your duck aphorisms in a row for me to see the importance of running your letter. Hopefully the woman who wrote the original e-mail will read this and proceed with extreme caution if she decides to move out. Now let’s move on to a more genteel (albeit frustrated) dude:


I’m a man in my early thirties and am now single after an eight-year relationship. I’ve never had a problem meeting, dating and finding women for sexual relationships. My problem is that I find shaved pubic hair to be a big turnoff! (Actually, it’s one in the trilogy of turnoffs, along with perfect teeth and fake breasts.) I made out with one woman on a park bench and I let out the biggest purr of arousal when I slipped my hand into her underwear and could feel she had a lush patch of pubic hair. We slept with each other a week later and, to my horror, the lovely mound was gone. She had shaved it all off! I didn’t think it was the appropriate time to say anything to her, but I was disappointed. I’m not sure how to approach the subject, since I don’t feel comfortable telling anyone what to do with her body. Do I just have to get over it and change with the times?


Now, this is a quote from a real man: “I don’t feel comfortable telling anyone what to do with her body.” Such a refreshing change from the controlling freakazoid mentioned above. The good news here is that by telling this woman that you’re actually into pubic hair, you might be doing her a favor. Think of all the time and razor burn you’ll be saving her. I would tell her the story about the purring on the park bench—that was hot—and then let her know that she’s free to do whatever she pleases with her mons pubis, but as far as you’re concerned, an unshaven cooch is A-okay. On a side note: I assume when you say that “perfect teeth” are a turnoff, you mean those unnaturally white, overly veneered movie-star teeth, right? Because if you’re into fucked-up chompers, I’m going to have to reevaluate my whole opinion of you.

Send letters to Jamie Bufalino c/o Time Out New York, 475 Tenth Avenue, 12th floor, New York, NY 10018, or send e-mail to

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