Five things we learned at...Brian Regan's New York Comedy Festival show

This crowd-pleasing comic does great bits about tuba players and gets revenge on people who cut in line, all while remaining 100% clean.

Brian Regan

Brian Regan Photograph: Brian Friedman

At some point, my body will cease to heal itself. As Regan put it, “When did healing completely drop out of the equation? I’m at a point in my life where if I hurt something it’s like, ‘Well, I guess that’s going to hurt forever now.’”

It takes less than 20 minutes before members of Regan’s audiences begin to feel physical pain. A girl next to me, laughing and struggling to draw breah, exclaimed to her father, “My face hurts!” He responded, “I’m crying!”

It’s possible to get revenge on someone who cuts in line, right then and there. According to Regan, here’s what you do: Grab the offending person’s belongings—reach inside their pockets if need be—and start throwing them as far as you can in all directions. When they look at you weirdly, simply say, “Oh, I’m sorry! I thought you wanted complete anarchy! I thought when you stepped in front of me, that was a signal that all semblance of right and wrong went out the window!”

Regan is a master of both bit comedy and one-liners: Moments after a great five-minute bit in which he acted out the plight of the tuba player in the first-ever marching band (“Um…can’t we just stay seated?”), Regan seamlessly added, “Did you know if you were to second-guess your decision to book time at a Native American community, that would be a reservation reservation reservation?”

Regan might be the best there is. Anyone who’s ever seen Regan knows he’s a clean performer. When asked, Regan has said he has no problem with dirty comics; he just personally relishes the challenge of the alternative. In one bit, Regan pointed out that people would treat one another much more nicely if everyone was allowed to murder just one other person without consequence. It’d be “Top of the morning to ya,” and “No, after you,” all day, every day, he said. Sign us up for this world—and any other Regan is a part of.