What we learned at…Kevin Hart's New York Comedy Festival show

The physical comic and "weird thinker" sells out Madison Square Garden while talking about lying, cheating and "bum bumps."

Opener Will "Spank" Horton had no illusions. When the crowd gave him a lackluster welcome, he said, "I didn't come to see y'all either. I'm here to get this check, pay these bills and get the fuck on." Then he said, "Joke number one.…"

Kevin Hart is a big deal. That is to say, he had pyrotechnics. Hart saw the Jay-Z and Kanye concert, and that's what having pyrotechnics means. After each one of his big bits, Hart would holler, "I'm killin' you people!" and flames would shoot from the stage.

A married man can never tell his wife he is feeding pigeons. The reason? If his wife ever called him, she wouldn't believe he could indulge in such benign pleasures. After demanding he "put the fuckin' pigeon on the phone," and hearing it coo, the wife would believe it was some other woman pretending to be a pigeon—and doing it badly.

When Hart says, "I'm a weird thinker, people," he's telling the truth. When he lies, he makes up new animals and tells people he adopted a baby that was running along the freeway. When he daydreams about revenge, he imagines catching his rival with his pants down and having to deal with that rival's penis—very nearly squeezing it off and taking it home.

All must fear the "bum bump." As with all Hart shows, the comic aims to give people some phrase or idea to walk away with. This time, his paranoia about homeless people and germs led him to imagine what might happen if a bum touched his lip. Hence the "bum bump." When imagining how he might defend himself to a friend who was examining his lip, he howled, "I thought he was going to tell me a secret!"