New York Stories: Kevin Allison shares a New York memory

Guest blogger Kevin Allison, founder of the RISK! storytelling series, tells us about looking for hookups in all the wrong places.

Kevin Allison

Kevin Allison

Welcome to "New York Stories," in which some of our favorite New Yorkers tell a story—funny, heartwarming, sad, whatever—about this great city. This week, Kevin Allison remembers one of his earliest nights in New York City—and how it went terribly wrong. 

At 18, I escaped Ohio to attend NYU. The first week, I was beside myself. In this city, I could finally have gay sex! But where? One day, I heard two musical-theater kids in the hallways of Tisch saying, "There's a bar on West 81st Street where the gay guys from Columbia go." This shows what I great detective I was. In the middle of Greenwich Village, [I was] tracking rumors that gay guys congregate about 80 blocks north.

That night, I put a mini-pack of lube in my pocket and went to the bar. But the cruising spooked me. I sat in a corner downing PBRs until a tidal wave of nausea came crashing down on me and I fled. Outside, I noticed a black void where I thought buildings were supposed to be. I thought, Oh! That must be this place they call Central Park! And haven't I heard rumors that gay men gather there at night for anonymous sexual encounters? So off I went, into the woods.

Sixty seconds later, I was lost. I thought, I don't know where this forest sex party is, but surely any male walking through here at 3:30am is on the way there or back! So I parked myself in the bushes to wait. The plan was, if a guy passed, I'd shimmy the leaves around me and he'd think, Oh there's another dude. Time to whip our dicks out! After 15 minutes, a guy passed and I shimmied. He clearly thought, What's this lunatic doing in the shrubs?!?

I gave up and lay down a minute—and then 90 more. When I woke, I saw someone had made off with my sneakers. My quest was a fiasco. When I got to the subway, a train was arriving. But the wave of nausea overtook me again. I leaned on the door frame, the door open signal went, "Doo doo!," and I exploded, vomiting into the train. Six passengers stared at me. Who vomits into the train?!? But if I missed this train I'd be waiting forever. I jumped on, forgetting I was only wearing socks and it was wet below. In a split second, my feet were parallel with my shoulders and I went bam, down on my own mess. The six others were at the far end of the car now. I just waved as if to say, Hello! And good night.

Kevin Allison is the founder and host of the storytelling series RISK! The next show happens Thursday, August 22 at 9:30pm at the Peoples Improv Theater; tickets are $10.

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Editor: Marley Lynch (@marleyasinbob)

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