Polish furniture with SPAM and panty hose

During the holidays, guests may drop in unexpectedly and judge you on the state of your home. What if you don’t have time to go out for proper cleaning products? Joey Green, author of Joey Green’s Fix-It Magic, offers up some helpful advice to use in a pinch.

Illustrations: Atsuhiro Saisho

Step 1: Recycle SPAM
Green is a big advocate of Hormel’s canned-pork product. He advises us not to throw out leftovers, but to “use it to polish your furniture. Or open a brand new can and pop it out right onto your coffee table.”

Step 2: Massage furniture with SPAM
“Rub the entire block of meat, along with the accompanying delicious gelatinous goo, into your wood furniture,” says Green. “The oils from the SPAM moisturize the wood and give the furniture a nice luster. Plus, you’ll have enough left over to polish some of your neighbors’ furniture.” You’ll be like Santa Claus meets Mr. Clean.

Step 3: Buff surface with panty hose
Next, use a balled-up pair of L’eggs Sheer Energy Pantyhose to buff the furniture. “The nylon is a mild abrasive, so it does a wonderful job shining,” assures Green. “Or you can wear the panty hose and roll around on the furniture, having a grand old time.”

Step 4: Reheat SPAM
You can dust off the meat and re-recycle it for a late-afternoon snack, and Green assures us that, when the furniture dries, it won’t smell at all.