The worst-named New York neighborhoods
Quooklyn. BoCoCa. SoBro. Real-estate developers are ruining this town with their dumb mash-up names.
Tue Jun 17 2014
New York City is an ever-changing metropolis, with neighborhoods gentrifying and filling up each day. This, of course, brings its own issues, including rent increases and a lack of culture. But it also brings in a more sinister threat—that of the real estate broker who makes up neighborhood names (FiDi, anyone?). Luckily, we here at Time Out New York have our ears to the ground and are able to bring you some future names for neighborhoods, as well as explanations of some of the five boroughs’ more “interesting” neighborhood names.
Between Queens and Brooklyn, there is, apparently, Quooklyn, which is the real-estate lingo equivalent of “trying to make fetch happen.”
Nobody has any idea what this means. Robert De Niro screamed it at a cabdriver back in the ’80s and it stuck.
Boerum Hill/Cobble Hill/Carroll Gardens for people with no self-respect.
This popular acronym stands for: “Down Under (the) Manhattan Bridge, Oranges” due to the area formerly being overrun by wild orange groves.
Right Around (the) Manhattan Bridge, Obviously.
A cuddly black-and-white bear that eats bamboo shoots! And is celibate to the point of threatening its entire species. (I know, right? Sad face.)
Spanish Harlem for people who hate both Spanish and Harlem.
Chinatown and Soho intersect at this exact juncture, which is notable for sounding like a fat man laughing.
Actually Sunset Park, but for white people who want to say “I live in Park Slope” but don’t because somebody didn’t apply themselves in college and get that job. I mean look at your cousin, look how well he’s doing: He has two kids and a career and what do you have? A bike and an Etsy account? I mean honestly, Tina. Sorry, what we were talking about again?
Park Slope, but where all the structures are made out of adobe.
Surprisingly affordable, quaint neighborhood with the only downside being that the Twin Peaks theme song can be heard at all hours.
Not a neighborhood, but a secret underground society that meets under the Park Slope Food Coop every full moon where Maggie Gyllenhaal offers two stalks of organic kale to an ancient Sumerian god at an altar made entirely of back issues of Parenting magazine.
An apartment building in Tribeca where an inordinate amount of women named Becky live.
Gowanus, but for the first six months of you living there when nobody has the heart to tell you that it's pronounced “GoWAnus.”
Bed-Stuy/Clinton Hill, or a hill made out of beds! Tee hee! Is funny! Has whimsy!
Prospect Park/Crown Heights…or a crow in a business suit. Look at him going to work. He’s so dapper! He’s very tired at the end of his day and just wants a beer. Let him have one. He doesn’t spend enough time with his kids. He grew up too quickly. He hasn’t had a summer off since 2003. The plight of the ProCrow.
Williamsburg, but with exposed genitals.
Clint On Hill
This super exclusive Brooklyn neighborhood has just one resident, named Clint, who lives on a hill, and he won’t let you live there.
Where the famous NYC “hot trash" smell comes from.
Northwest Hoboken, where men throw fireballs at each other in some sort of coin-operated street fighting tournament.
The intersection of Manhattan Avenue and Greenpoint Avenue where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.
Where your ex-girlfriend lives.
Like your ex-girlfriend, but cheaper and even more underwhelming in person.
The part of Chelsea where the restaurants change every six months and you can’t find a cab to save your life but Jesus did he have great arms wait why am I on his Facebook at 2am and who finished all this prosecco I mean who…
Named after General Jebediah Fart, a highly decorated war hero who gave half of his army salary to a local orphanage each year, who sadly passed away from Crohn’s disease, and this is all after you’ve laughed at the word fart, you shallow bastard.
Chelsea/Hell’s Kitchen/that part of New York that is still like the late ’80s so that you’d think people would still dig it but it’s actually a ghost town.
The South Bronx, but with even more cologne.
An area of lower Nolita populated entirely by beguiling teenage girls.
Apparently “Midtown Manhattan,” according to some brokers, but actually just a word that babies say.
Not a neighborhood but actually a charming old Irish fella talkin’ about his late father.
Gowanus/Carroll Gardens, but at this point, Realtors just hate you and have entirely stopped treating you like an adult.
In the year 2035, NYC real-estate brokers will give up entirely and just start treating you like actual babies.
The actor Shia LeBeouf.
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