Where, exactly, is Dario Argento? He’s up there in the title, but none of the horror maestro’s former genius (Suspiria) is evident in this silly, Stoker-by-numbers slog, rife with cheesy digital blood spurts but not a single moment of deep-red gorgeousness. The toothsome lead (Thomas Kretschmann) and his lust object Mina (Marta Gastini) are especially sleep-inducing; so is Rutger Hauer’s dully hectoring Van Helsing. Some viewers will get unintended jollies from a gigantic, rampaging grasshopper; others, from the director’s queasy-making penchant for unclothing his exhibitionist daughter Asia.
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Cast and crew