Tortoise In Love (12A)

I never write reviews but I feel compelled to say I've just left the cinema feeling completely warm and uplifted. This is what we need to be watching during these recession-filled rainy days. To me, it was better than 4 weddings and a funeral. Everyone in the cinema was laughing out loud for the duration of the film and they even applauded it at the end.

You know that a film has failed when you check your watch several times during it, waiting for it to end, and cringing all the way through. I don't normally review movies but we went to see this film because it was rated 7.5 on IMBD. Normally the IMBD rating is a good indicator of the quality of the film. but in this case it was totally wrong. I read that this film was made by an entire village and some of them reviewed it on IMBD . They have a vested interest and they want you to go see the film. Don't bother. It's pretty painful to watch. Here are the reasons why I did not enjoy it: It is devoid of any talent - in the acting, writing, dialogue, concept, etc. It's bad all round. It's amateur dramatics packaged as a British romantic comedy. But it's no 'Notting Hill' or 'Love Actually'. The actors leave A LOT to be desired. Apparently the lead male is a dead ringer for Hugh Grant and the lead actors are meant to be good looking. They are very average looking though. Unfortunately the lead actor Tom also does not possess a brain. He's gormless, boring and dull. The film makes a lot of his 'slowness' in pursuing his love interest. But he's just slow altogether. Of course this is a problem because it makes for extremely dull watching. The leading lady is apparently a talented musician who is trying her hand at acting. I think she should stick to the day job because there is no evidence of talent there in acting. The little boy in the film (the owner's son) is also completely dull to watch. There is no chemistry between the leading characters. It's completely awkward when they kiss at the end and finally get together. In fact, we don't even know why the leading man Tom likes Anya, and vice versa. This is because we know so little about these characters, and they know so little about each other seeing as they barely spoke in this film. The characters come across as desperate for a romance while all the while there is no chemistry. So they come across as desperate, period. It's also meant to be a romantic comedy. It's neither. I laughed at one joke in the entire film. I was in a cinema and there was not much laughter going on either. I found all 4 professional/critical reviews that are online about this film and each one gave it 2 out of 5. That tells you everything you need to know. I wish I'd read them before I went to see it and wasted my $15. Ignore the 7.5 rating on IMBD