Rejoice, Twi-Hards! The supernatural romance series that’s caused many a swoony sleepless night comes to what you’ll surely consider a slamming close with Breaking Dawn—Part 2. Ignore those of us outside the faith who wouldn’t know a Volturi from a Volkswagen; this outrageously grand finale is a fan-service fiesta.
Pouty heroine Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart, more lively than usual) has completed her vampiric transformation, and she spends most of the film’s first half running wild through both the woods and an Ikea-catalog bedroom with her broody undead husband, Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson). Married life is bliss; even third-wheel werewolf Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner) has subsumed his romantic jealousies by becoming protector of Mr. and Mrs. Cullen’s half-vamp, half-human child, Renesmee (Mackenzie Foy). But, lo! Borgia-like bloodsucker Aro (a spectacularly hammy Michael Sheen) and his clan are out to destroy the Cullens for a perceived transgression. An epic battle on the ice awaits, and heads will roll.
Mourn, Twi-Haters! BDP2’s cringeworthy idiocies are more plentiful than ever: WB teen-drama performances, risible dialogue (“You nicknamed my baby after the Loch Ness monster?!?”) and the most shameless T.Laut striptease yet. Plus, all the PG-13 lechery still makes for a cognitively dissonant mishmash with the story’s weirdly retrograde undercurrents. (Edward and Bella’s abstinence-until-wedlock love affair is practically a Victorian consumptive disease.) As billion-dollar Hollywood franchises go, this is one of the drawn-out dumbest. The stake through the heart comes not a moment too soon.
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