Strap on your sword belt, buckle your sandals, and oil up your rippling six-pack, because here comes yet another interminable, CGI-drenched mythic mishmash with far more money than brain cells. Dwayne Johnson (we’re no longer allowed to call him the Rock) plays the title character, who, in this loose adaptation of Steve Moore’s comic-book series, is a mercenary warrior spinning inflated tales of his divine parentage and epic labors to psych out his enemies. Hired, along with a ragtag band of sidekicks who include a seer (Ian McShane), a wisecracking archer (Rufus Sewell) and a Swedish ninja with dreadlocks (Ingrid Bolsø Berdal), to defend the kingdom of Thrace against a mysterious enemy, Hercules soon finds his past coming back to haunt him in the form of Joseph Fiennes sporting a worrisome blond mullet.
Given that its director is the widely derided Brett Ratner (Rush Hour), it’s no great surprise that Hercules is a mess: The plot barely hangs together, the characters are meagerly sketched, and the 3-D digital effects are plastic, indistinct and wearying. The script contains a handful of decent comic asides, and there’s one great midbattle moment in which Herc throws a horse, but on the whole, this is decidedly nonlegendary.