Torchlight

Horrendously inept romance-cum-problem pic, with Ms Martin - reputed to be rampantly anti-drugs - falling for a loutish construction engineer (Railsback, who once played Charlie Manson) in the first five minutes, and then, in between dabbling in a little bit of painting, watching in horror as hubby gets hooked on assorted evil substances. The root of all evil is McShane, a hammy hustler who signals his debauched ways by wearing dressing-gowns, sporting a tacky tan, and grinning a lot. Ultra-conservative in tone, directed with little care for continuity or conviction, it might just send you into hysterics with its unintentional hilarity; or it could easily turn you into a valium addict.