Spiderhole

There are two ways a slice of exploitative, Z-grade torture porn like ‘Spiderhole’ can distinguish itself in an overcrowded marketplace: it can be brilliantly smart, or genuinely disgusting. With a cast of obnoxious posho students, a script consisting exclusively of base-level horror movie cliches (‘Well, fuck-a-doodle-do!’) and a plot to match, this definitely isn’t the former. And despite a reasonably promising set-up – aforementioned academics decide to squat in a creepy abandoned house but find themselves mysteriously locked in – there’s nowhere near enough grue to keep the gorehounds entertained. What remains is a crude, by-the-numbers slasher, enlivened by some half-decent photography but ruined by the appalling dialogue and forgettable, plum-voiced cast. A last-ditch twist provides a momentary flicker of interest, but by then it’s far too little, far too late. If you’ve ever wondered what a ‘Saw’ sequel would look like if it was made in Shoreditch for pocket change, wonder no more.