Black Snake Moan

I think it’s totally possible that Christina Ricci misheard her agent or something and thought she signed up for an adaptation of ‘Long Snake Moan’ – you know, that PJ Harvey song from back when she weighed about five stone and half of that was her wig and mascara, and Ricci was all like, ‘So it’s like a porn movie set underwater? With Justin Trousersnake? Sweet!’ And then she called Christian Bale to get his diet plan from ‘The Machinist’ so she could get all pale and bony, and then she got to the set and did this big sweaty sex scene with JT – and that was so much fun! – and everything was going awesome. But then Trousersnake’s character gets sent to Iraq or whatever, and Ricci’s character just turns into a total bitchy slut and it’s really hard to relate to her and stuff, even when things get really dark.

Anyway, then that guy from ‘Snakes on a Plane’ shows up – like, enough with the snakes already! – and he’s all bluesy and spiritual and whatnot and he’s going to cure Ricci of being a bitchy slut by chaining her to his radiator. I’m not even kidding! It was directed by the guy who made ‘Hustle & Flow’, which was about how it’s hard out here for a pimp when he’s trying to get money from bitches, and this movie is sorta about how it’s hard out here for a black guy who’s into God and church and stuff when there are these crazy white women running around having sex with everyone. But it would be way cooler to see that PJ Harvey movie.