rookie versus retard in the horse and cattle show i am too naive to assume how mr .yash chopra conceives the illustrious punjabi culture but in his great classic which was a really sincere attempt to bring the two warring nations together ,we got to see a masterful portrayal of punjabi men and women who could easily beat the great horse and cattle shows into oblivion as the men from punjab were reduced to the intelligectual level of oxen while the women behaved like decked out cows in a prize winning cattle show ,and if it was not enough we also had some great legal minds and some great geographical discoveries afoot which even will put christopher columbus to shame . our lovely zara played by the matchless zinta kicks the epic of by enacting great melody which declares proudly that she is a 2 year old retard and she plays the part faithfully and with astonishing skills right to the finale ,if you want to absolutely want to know the song it was like i am a real dumb little girl and i will always be the same after the song finishes her hindu nanny is so shocked she drops dead instanteously at her inefficincy and incompetence at bringing up miss retard ,now it is incumbent for poor lil retard to take her nannys ashes to india as all the sacred waters are there ,though they all flow ultimately enter pakistan to flow into arabian sea but the geography of punjab is better known to miss retard ,so next we have the poor little billionaire daughter running off in a bus to india some 30 years ago when the two countries had just finished fighting the bloody 1971 venture but of course since our underworld bollywood connections are unquestionable so mr yash chopra has no problems shipping his retarded lady to chamba from where she rings her mother every day to tell her what she has had for dinner and breakfast too,but wait a second she initially ends up with a busload of passengers and our charming rookie indian pilot makes his entry as spiderman to rescue her from the inacessible ditch by hanging upside down rom his chopper ,now SRK LIKE HIS ACROBATICS and will do anything for ms retard and yash uncle ,so miss muuffet is rescued by the charming spiderman and immediately falls in love too as the rest of the passengers are dying around them and the poor nannys ashes are forgotten ,but then if her memory was good she would not be retarded and we would be deprived of the two great romantic duets that are subsequently going to entertain us into the heights of boredom ,but dont worry our dashing veer jawan is now on his way to intro the pakistamni miss muffet to his poor relations who turn out to be none other then the demented drunk played deferentially with deftful dementia by amitabh as a loony sikh who has a bejewelled biwi from the south played by soulful sincerity by hema malini as they try to destroy all credibility they gained previously in bagban ,we have enough time to start an educational reformatary program in hindu land by the retarded miss muffet and that too for the poor little sikh girls who would otherwise have gone without any wisdom incurred upon them by miss retard ,two more songs and we suddenly find half of pakistan is looking for miis lost little muffet in india and the big bad soider arrives to frighten miss muffet away to pakiland in the form of an evil mr bajpai,while poor little rookie pilot can only sing a sad song , never mind because now ms retard has to marry the big bad spider and she dreams of the nice hindu pilot while her father who survived her journey to india decides to have a heart attack ,anyway as the marriage and songs progress our veerjawan is smuggled into pakistan from india by the bollywood underworld and he decides to meet miss zaera at a shrine in lahore where they embrace each other in the middle of the holy gathering while all the holy men cheer on ,except mr black spider who decides to frame mr rookie to accept some inexplicable offence to imprison him in pakiland for life while he ias still supposed to be travelling on a bus back to india which again conveniently crashes in explicably in the mountain range whic mr chopra discovered recently enroute from lahore to amritsir ore maybe the bus driver was taking the long route from lahore through gilgit on his way to china to see the great wall before getting back to india , but no worries as our hero is safe as prisoner no.786in a paki jail while the demented drunk and bejeweled biwi are informed he is dead without a corpse i.d . and decide to pass away as i think they decide they have had enough of this indo -pak friendship bridge which keeps crashing with buses regularly . by the way mr bachan is well known to no786 as mr chopra gave him the name in his first classic in the 70s but now the lucky bill is given to veerjawan who gaurds the honour of his retarded paki muslim miss muffet for 20 years before we have the rani of pakistan coming to his rescue as rani mukerjee herself who for some bizarre reason has inacessible access as rani the queen to all pakistani secret prisons including the nuke reactor ,but she is only interested in reuniting missretard and mr rookey who are now wearing really bad makeups and awful wigs to make them look gracefully aged . what follows is another horse and cattle show in a pakistani high court with rani giving soms symbolic sermons to exorcise how good the pakis and indians are and ever problem is resolved as the geriatric couple sing another duet in the court room itself before being pardoned by the retarded judge who apologises to the poor little pilot who in response recites a poem which is supposed to pull at the heartstrings of all good indians ad pakistanis ,unfortunately my brain was fried by this time because of the above events and my heartstrings were broken by the verseless decapatitations of the great maestro mada mohans erstwhile melodies by some mindless composer while lata tried her best to rescue them but without gulzar or kaifi azmi that was as difficult as crossing the border between india and pakitan even today but since all bollywood epic by johars and chopras are based on miraculous scripts secondary to allahs and bhagwans blessings mr rookie took ms retard as his wife home crossing the wagah border on foot as no bus driver was prepared to transport the hazardous couple they do say third time lucky but then the bus drivers are too clever in indopak to believe that urban legend but may god bless this great union between the two great nations and fulfil mr chopras dream of one day making a realistic and credible epic till then we can watch mr johar making his epics with the great sets and costumes which mr bhansali is so inspired by as well now enjoy the heatrending,retarded tale of the retards and may the retards live happily ever after madan mohans great music and some good acting by rani-shahrukh are the only two good things along with the photography -otherwise forget it compliments usman khawaja -jbz7879
Veer Zaara (U)
Time Out saysIndia’s most successful director Chopra’s twenty-first feature is a ground-breaking Indo-Pak musical romance on an epic scale. Will Indian Hindu Veer (Khan) and Pakistani Muslim Zaara’s (Zinta) love be able to overcome cross-cultural emotional and physical borders? ‘Yash Uncle’s’ balanced treatment of the contentious subject-matter transcends its familiar ‘Romeo and Juliet’ style plot through a compelling reworking of the ‘formula’, reflecting strong progressive political and social messages achieved via impressive performances from his ‘A’ list charismatic stars, poetic Urdu Punjabi and Hindi dialogue and melodious songs which blend seamlessly into the narrative. The late composer Mohan and ‘nightingale’ Lata Mangeshkar’s tunes achieve lyrical perfection, ‘picturised’ in Chopra’s trademark ‘chiffon sari in the Swiss Alps’ style, this time transposed to the mustard fields of the Punjab. Do not be put off by its length, go see and get swept away in this festal melange of colour, sights and sounds.